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The Beatles - Abbey Road CD (album) cover


The Beatles



4.49 | 1054 ratings

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5 stars Golden Showers bring May's paycheck down at the gentleman's club I frequent, but the cleanup is always the worst.

The Beatles - Abbey Road (1969)

Overall Rating: 13

Best Song: The first side, really.

It sucks a lot...bye.

No, really, though. It's a Beatles record, in fact, it's the favored Beatles release, which means you probably know everything there is to know about it because you're a dirty, Rolling Stone magazine suckling pathetic Beatles fan without a mind of your own, or you've totally ignored it because of the commercial hype, and pledged to never lay ears on the thing because you're trying to be cool, underground, and controversial...moron. So, what need of a review for Abbey's Load? I don't know, I do these things on impulse. I offended the pop Gods and they bade me write these pointless friggin' reviews until my mind melts away into the aether. Aren't they nice?

Who am I kidding? Buy this today, buy the ass out of it right now, and sit yer buttocks on the couch, bedchamber, lavatory, outhouse, or wherever it is you prefer to take your Beatles musick, and sit a spell, won't ya? It's awfully good stuff and worth the price of a regular CD. It's only like $10 dollars, these days. What else would you be wasting money on? Starbucks? Give me a break, Jake. Let's continue with this farce so I can get payed. I do get payed, right?

Okay, my feelings on this album can be thoroughly expressed in one lone, bare sentiment: First side good, second side bad. Now, this can be explaborated upon in loads and loads. The first side of Abbey Road is arguably the strongest set of music the Beatles ever did in one running string. The thick, ominous, confusing bass driven rock of Come Together, or the softly psychedelic, soulful pop cherry of Something, they come armed to the teeth in wonderful melodies and memorable studio performances. I practically love every one of the first eight songs, boy they're really something else by the Kinks! Ahem, I love 'em, dearly. It's a menagerie of moods, ideas, and themes, and it's what I call, the "twenty minute Beatles encyclopedia for friend and foe." Everything great about the band, like powerful pop melodies, genre hopping excess, gorgeous vocal harmonies, and diverse sense of mood comes here, and you don't get none of the bad, like generic rock groove, or faux-depth.

So, on this terribly powerful opening note, how can someone NOT firmly declare this the greatest rock album ever produced by mankind? Well, almost everyone does that, anyway, and my pittly li'l reviews won't change that, one minutae, ya heard? So, what's the rub? The rub is that side two is a disastrous train wreck of convoluted and simple ideas smashed together like a runny, old, egg and bean juice sandwich. That whole Abbey Road medley makes me sick. None of the tiny musical ideas go anywhere, and they aren't even beautiful, or anything. A latter example of something like this is the Apple Jams third of All Things Must Pass. What possessed them to do such a thing? Eh, damn Brit boys.

No, the album doesn't devolve into utter shit right away (or at all), because even the first couple numbers on side two ending on Sun King, are all fine and dandy, Randy. Not as grandly ear pleasing, but unarguable in their niceness. Starting from Mean Mr. Mustard, I stop caring. I can't help it. It's all this lightweight, inoffensive pop slop, and my stomach can't handle any more of that stuff. No, it's not bad, but it's a regression. So much for the Beatles being at the forefront of all things progressive and forward thinking in music. I can't help but be a little bored with the results. They rock, they roll, there's even a solo that bites ya, but the medley just don't do 'it' for me. What is it? Is it, what is it? It, what is it? It's my emotional core. I remain firmly indifferent to them, and I'd rather listen to offensively bad music than just plain boring music. You might disagree.

You might think I've got an ear disorder for thinking anything by the Beetuls is boring. Go hang yourself to Sgt. Pepper, you twits. My ears tell me it's all 'generic pop melody 1,2,3,4, etc.', so sue me. It's not like music is above criticism, just like Tom Green isn't above eating his own fecal matter for attention. Hopefully now you fully comprehend my opening line. This album will pay your way into pop greatness, and at the same time, side two's cleanup is such a drag. Oh and Her Majesty is a waste of time. I think it was a political statement. Who are these fools? Bob Dylan? Okay, okay, you've heard me spill my mind about one of the most popular albums of all time, now go get it! Side one rules. It rules so hard I can't help but forgive side two. It's the best Beatles money can buy. (what a cliche!)


Alitare | 5/5 |


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