A Young Person's Guide to Metal |
Post Reply | Page 123 4> |
Author | |
Sean Trane
Special Collaborator Prog Folk Joined: April 29 2004 Location: Heart of Europe Status: Offline Points: 19597 |
Topic: A Young Person's Guide to Metal Posted: May 30 2006 at 03:14 |
Now that Lordi has won Eurovision, I am sure most of the archives members have been swamped with questions about metal and the differences between the many styles. So this small guide was quickly drawn up to answer as easily the pressing questions from family and friends/relations. Since we are completely incapable of telling one style musically from another (and even if we did, it would take too long, and they would not understand), the easiest thing is describing what the lyrics are all about and how the intricate differences in the metal sects are diverging the original sense of the lyrics. We all agree that metal lyrics is about a knight slaying the dragon in order to save the princess, right? So, here goes the differences: HEAVY METAL: The knight comes in on his Harley, shoots the dragon down with a 44 magnum, guzzles a few brews and screws the princess SPEED METAL Knight-slays-dragon-screws-princess HARD ROCK Knight comes in Hawaiian shorts, tries to kill the dragon, but the princess completely disgusted, escapes and screws the dragon BLACK METAL Knight kills dragon, drinks his blood, sodomizes princess, drinks her blood and sacrifice both her and the dragon to Satan SYMPHONIC BLACK METAL Ditto but with more finesse HAIR METAL Knight arrive more worried about his airbrushing and colored nails, blows a rude kiss to the princess, gets eaten by dragon FOLK METAL Knight comes in with his troubadours friends, start singing to his true love’s eyes, dragon falls asleep, knight saves princess and marries her and has many kids Knights comes in dressed only with a garter belt, makes obscene gesture to dragon and gets himself thrown out by the castle’s security DEATH METAL Knights kills dragon, screws dragon, screws princess and kills princess BRUTAL DEATH METAL Knights kills dragon, screws dragon, kills princess and screws princess DOOM METAL Knight kills himself, dragon has double dinner portions ALTERNATIVE METAL Knight refuses to belong the system, tells the princess to f**k off, and leaves. VIKING METAL Knights slays dragon with double headed-axe and both hands, rips the heart out, and eats it, rapes the princess, burns the castle and returns to the drakkar with the gold and the wench. Rape, pillage and conquer GOTHIC METAL WITH FEMALE SINGER Female singer sings the dragon to her charms and puts him under a spell, steals the princess’s dress and throws her awayin the moat (pond around the castle walls), climb on the bed and waits for the band’s drummer to come in and save her PROGMETAL Knights come in, plays a 26 min guitar solo, bores the dragon to death and dragon kills himself in depression, Knights gets close to the princess's bed, rips out another 42 min guitar solo, but does not see the princess escaping with the Heavy Metal Knight ATHMOSPHERIC METAL Moon reflects off the scales of the skin of dragon on a clear cloudless night, Princess is at the balcony sighing and looking into the deep forest where birds are singing their love songs, Coockoo to you. No knights in sight. GLAM METAL Knights comes in dressed up like a faggot and full make-up, dragons dies laughing his heart away, knight steals the princess’s make up kit and proceeds to paint the castle pink GRIND METAL Knight comes in, yells for two minutes something not understood by anyone and leaves GORE METAL Knight slays dragon, rips out the bowels and other parts , spreads them around the castle, screws the princess, kills her, rips her body apart, screws the dead corpse, eats her heart out, burns the body and screws the dragon one last time before defecating on the remains of the princess NEO METAL Knight scared sh*tless by dragon, stays out of castle, makes rude gestures to princess and goes wank off in the forest TRUE BLACK METAL (Old Style) Knight comes completely wasted, heaves into dungeon, slays princess and proceeds to flirt with dragon TRUE BLACK METAL (New Style) Knight comes in, starts a debate with dragon on who is evil and who is not, kills the princess who dared intervene in the conversation and gets killed and eaten by the exasperated dragon. The last thing the dragon can agree with is being rough with women. Dragon maybe, but gentleman, certainly After this short guide, if your parents still do not understand after this, invite your local Gore Metal group for a demonstration. Edited by Sean Trane - May 30 2006 at 10:40 |
|
let's just stay above the moral melee
prefer the sink to the gutter keep our sand-castle virtues content to be a doer as well as a thinker, prefer lifting our pen rather than un-sheath our sword |
|
Raff
Special Collaborator Honorary Collaborator Joined: July 29 2005 Location: None Status: Offline Points: 24391 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 03:23 |
What else can I say but.... Hugues, you're an absolute genius!!!
I started laughing out loud at the Prog-Metal definition... Somebody's going to get p****d off about that, but to me that's really priceless! |
|
Norbert
Forum Senior Member Joined: October 20 2005 Location: Hungary Status: Offline Points: 2506 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 03:48 |
Doom, atmospheric, grind and glam are the best
|
|
Vompatti
Forum Senior Member VIP Member Joined: October 22 2005 Location: elsewhere Status: Offline Points: 67381 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 04:57 |
|
|
Velvetclown
Forum Senior Member Joined: February 13 2004 Status: Offline Points: 8548 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 06:09 |
All we need now is a MENTAL GUIDE
|
|
Bj-1
Special Collaborator Honorary Collaborator Joined: June 04 2005 Location: No(r)Way Status: Offline Points: 31157 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 06:25 |
Excellent list, Sean
You should create one, Velvy |
|
RIO/AVANT/ZEUHL - The best thing you can get with yer pants on!
EXERIOR Experimental tech/death/progmetal from Norway! |
|
Man Made God
Forum Senior Member Joined: March 21 2006 Status: Offline Points: 380 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 06:29 |
You've created this one Sean? It seems pretty familiar to me...
But great list nonetheless! |
|
TheProgtologist
Special Collaborator Honorary Collaborator / Retired Admin Joined: May 23 2005 Location: Baltimore,Md US Status: Offline Points: 27802 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 09:52 |
|
|
|
|
Ricochet
Special Collaborator Honorary Collaborator Joined: February 27 2005 Location: Nauru Status: Offline Points: 46301 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 09:53 |
yeah!
|
|
|
|
Velvetclown
Forum Senior Member Joined: February 13 2004 Status: Offline Points: 8548 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:36 |
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
|
|
Sean Trane
Special Collaborator Prog Folk Joined: April 29 2004 Location: Heart of Europe Status: Offline Points: 19597 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:39 |
Let's just say I translated it from French last night, adapted it to the Lordi situation, added a few styles (Symphonic Black Metal and Atmospheric metal).
but first time I read a similar list dates from a few years back (three or four at most)
I got another similar thing on the Blues, which I have to re-type and translate also.
coming up soon
|
|
let's just stay above the moral melee
prefer the sink to the gutter keep our sand-castle virtues content to be a doer as well as a thinker, prefer lifting our pen rather than un-sheath our sword |
|
The Wizard
Prog Reviewer Joined: July 18 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 7341 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:45 |
|
|
|
|
glass house
Forum Senior Member Joined: June 16 2005 Location: Netherlands Status: Offline Points: 4986 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:46 |
Great .
|
|
sleeper
Prog Reviewer Joined: October 09 2005 Location: Entropia Status: Offline Points: 16449 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:53 |
This is priceless
|
|
Spending more than I should on Prog since 2005
|
|
Velvetclown
Forum Senior Member Joined: February 13 2004 Status: Offline Points: 8548 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 10:54 |
Yes but don´t forget the V.A.T
|
|
GoldenSpiral
Special Collaborator Honorary Collaborator Joined: May 27 2005 Location: United States Status: Offline Points: 3839 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 11:16 |
@ Doom, Atmospheric
brilliant. |
|
Blacksword
Prog Reviewer Joined: June 22 2004 Location: England Status: Offline Points: 16130 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 11:19 |
Hugues, thats classic!
|
|
Ultimately bored by endless ecstasy!
|
|
Jim Garten
Special Collaborator Retired Admin & Razor Guru Joined: February 02 2004 Location: South England Status: Offline Points: 14693 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 12:43 |
Absolutely superb, Hughes...
To take a slight liberty.... PALLAS METAL Knight tries to copy a better Knight from history, Dragon laughs so hard he falls off cliff, princess tells Knight to F*** Off! Sorry guys, couldn't resist... |
|
Jon Lord 1941 - 2012 |
|
Wilcey
Forum Senior Member VIP Member Joined: August 11 2005 Location: United Kingdom Status: Offline Points: 2696 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 12:50 |
Jim you crack me up!!!!
made my day! P-C |
|
Ed_The_Dead
Forum Senior Member Joined: April 29 2005 Location: Poland Status: Offline Points: 4928 |
Posted: May 30 2006 at 13:14 |
Great!!!
|
|
Post Reply | Page 123 4> |
Forum Jump | Forum Permissions You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot create polls in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum |