A Young Person's Guide to Metal

Now that Lordi has won Eurovision, I am sure most of the archives members have been swamped with questions about metal and the differences between the many styles. So this small guide was quickly drawn up to answer as easily the pressing questions from family and friends/relations. Since we are completely incapable of telling one style musically from another (and even if we did, it would take too long, and they would not understand), the easiest thing is describing what the lyrics are all about and how the intricate differences in the metal sects are diverging the original sense of the lyrics. We all agree that metal lyrics is about a knight slaying the dragon in order to save the princess, right?

So, here goes the differences:

HEAVY METAL:

The knight comes in on his Harley, shoots the dragon down with a 44 magnum, guzzles a few brews and screws the princess

SPEED METAL

Knight-slays-dragon-screws-princess

HARD ROCK

Knight comes in Hawaiian shorts, tries to kill the dragon, but the princess completely disgusted, escapes and screws the dragon

BLACK METAL

Knight kills dragon, drinks his blood, sodomizes princess, drinks her blood and sacrifice both her and the dragon to Satan

SYMPHONIC BLACK METAL

Ditto but with more finesse

HAIR METAL

Knight arrive more worried about his airbrushing and colored nails, blows a rude kiss to the princess, gets eaten by dragon

FOLK METAL

Knight comes in with his troubadours friends, start singing to his true love’s eyes, dragon falls asleep, knight saves princess and marries her and has many kids

INDUS METAL

Knights comes in dressed only with a garter belt, makes obscene gesture to dragon and gets himself thrown out by the castle’s security

DEATH METAL

Knights kills dragon, screws dragon, screws princess and kills princess

BRUTAL DEATH METAL

Knights kills dragon, screws dragon, kills princess and screws princess

DOOM METAL

Knight kills himself, dragon has double dinner portions

ALTERNATIVE METAL

Knight refuses to belong the system, tells the princess to f**k off, and leaves.

VIKING METAL

Knights slays dragon with double headed-axe and both hands, rips the heart out, and eats it, rapes the princess, burns the castle and returns to the drakkar with the gold and the wench. Rape, pillage and conquer

GOTHIC METAL WITH FEMALE SINGER

Female singer sings the dragon to her charms and puts him under a spell, steals the princess’s dress and throws her awayin the moat (pond around the castle walls), climb on the bed and waits for the band’s drummer to come in and save her

PROGMETAL

Knights come in, plays a 26 min guitar solo, bores the dragon to death and dragon kills himself in depression, Knights gets close to the princess's bed, rips out another 42 min guitar solo, but does not see the princess escaping with the Heavy Metal Knight

ATHMOSPHERIC METAL

Moon reflects off the scales of the skin of dragon on a clear cloudless night, Princess is at the balcony sighing and looking into the deep forest where birds are singing their love songs, Coockoo to you. No knights in sight.

GLAM METAL

Knights comes in dressed up like a faggot and full make-up, dragons dies laughing his heart away, knight steals the princess’s make up kit and proceeds to paint the castle pink

GRIND METAL

Knight comes in, yells for two minutes something not understood by anyone and leaves

GORE METAL

Knight slays dragon, rips out the bowels and other parts , spreads them around the castle, screws the princess, kills her, rips her body apart, screws the dead corpse, eats her heart out, burns the body and screws the dragon one last time before defecating on the remains of the princess

NEO METAL

Knight scared sh*tless by dragon, stays out of castle, makes rude gestures to princess and goes wank off in the forest

TRUE BLACK METAL (Old Style)

Knight comes completely wasted, heaves into dungeon, slays princess and proceeds to flirt with dragon

TRUE BLACK METAL (New Style)

Knight comes in,  starts a debate with dragon on who is evil and who is not, kills the princess who dared intervene in the conversation and gets killed and eaten by the exasperated dragon. The last thing the dragon can agree with is being rough with women. Dragon maybe, but gentleman, certainly

After this short guide, if your parents still do not understand after this, invite your local Gore Metal group for a demonstration.