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Jim Garten 
Special Collaborator 
Retired Admin & Razor Guru Joined: February 02 2004 Location: South England Status: Offline Points: 14693 |
 Topic: Possibly one of the funniest forum threads ever.Posted: April 26 2013 at 07:51 |
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I found this link on a different forum & without a doubt it is the single funniest thing I have ever read online:
This thread will appeal to men of a certain age (who may be able to empathise) and anyone who finds the "down below" misfortunes of others amusing... I know I did It will take about 10/15 minutes to read & I defy you not to genuinely laugh out loud - the author is a genius when it comes to timing. Well, that's my opinion, anyway - please - enjoy. |
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 Jon Lord 1941 - 2012 |
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Dean
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin and Amateur Layabout Joined: May 13 2007 Location: Europe Status: Offline Points: 37575 |
Posted: April 26 2013 at 08:25 |
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I managed to get as far as:
"CHRISSSSSS it’s a bloody SUBMARINE !!!!"
...and I couldn't see the laptop screen for tears.
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Jim Garten
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru Joined: February 02 2004 Location: South England Status: Offline Points: 14693 |
Posted: April 26 2013 at 08:55 |
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I had to read it in 2 sittings, due to the looks I was getting in the office; my eyes were streaming by then
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012 |
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chopper
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator Joined: July 13 2005 Location: Essex, UK Status: Offline Points: 19942 |
Posted: April 26 2013 at 09:24 |
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"This next statement may be the least surprising ever reading from the book of “Revelations” but I DID NOT RIDE MY BIKE THAT NIGHT."
 Funniest thing I've read since the one about the guy who sucked a jellyfish into his diving suit.
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TODDLER
Forum Senior Member 
VIP Member Joined: August 28 2009 Location: Vineland, N.J. Status: Offline Points: 3126 |
Posted: April 26 2013 at 09:29 |
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Very good! I was laughing for quite some time.
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Jim Garten
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru Joined: February 02 2004 Location: South England Status: Offline Points: 14693 |
Posted: April 26 2013 at 09:54 |
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I shouldn't laugh really - I'm approaching 50, so sooner or later, this could be me... |
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012 |
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Dean
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin and Amateur Layabout Joined: May 13 2007 Location: Europe Status: Offline Points: 37575 |
Posted: April 26 2013 at 10:06 |
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'as surely as the fist of the school bully grabbed a tie in search of “Spare dinner money”.'
Reminded me of something that happened when I was a short, nerdy school kid back in 1968
At age 11, moving from a small village primary school to a huge grammar school in a town some ten miles away, I went from being one of the bigger kids in a small education-pond to one of the smallest in massive bullying-ocean. Everything about wearing a brand new school uniform (replete with cap that no one else bothers to wear in flagrant disregard for any school statute that would demand otherwise) and wandering around in a state of permanent 'where the hell is form-room 27b?' bewildered confusion instantly marks you out as a first year, a victim in waiting and ripe fodder for any knuckle-dragger with an inclination for torment (teachers can be so cruel). Having been gifted from an early age with a penchant for food that tastes... well, of food, I spared my parents the ignominy of means-testing that would have supplied me with a free school lunch every day and arrived each morning with a modest packed-lunch of sandwiches of cheese or maybe some left-over meat from the previous evening's meal that my mum had hastily prepared before sending me off on the 45 minute school bus ride. On a good day there may have been a packet of Smiths salt'n'shake crisps that my dad had brought home the night before from the village Working Men's Club (CIU affiliated) and maybe a piece of homemade cake, or as a special treat a finger of Fudge™ or a Penguin™ chocolate biscuit. Not that I ever got to eat any of it - having survived the bus journey without it being liberated by fourth-form bus-monitors (aka school sanctioned thugs), there was the gauntlet of hall-monitors, prefects and other assorted opportunists bent on proving that there was such a thing as a free lunch to be had in the corridors of learning that the pre-comprehensive education system provided in the late 1960s - needless to say for several weeks I went hungry at lunchtimes and fed myself on a single chocolate bar from the tuck-shop. Being bright (not an immodest boast - this was a grammar school after all, we were all supposed to be bright) I soon learnt the golden rule of safety in numbers and by sticking close-by bigger kids who while not being outwardly benign or even friendly, were not openly belligerent I could get my packed lunch as far as my school locker (a misnomer - if the locks ever worked they must have suffered some internal damage in transit from the school locker factory to the school corridors many moons previous - those that did work were easily disabled using a pair of Helix™ compasses - also probably liberated from a hapless first former, no need for Raffles the gentleman thief at our school). So by lunchtime my sandwiches and their tasty filling would still be dined upon by someone other than I.
Eventually my dad got to hear about this (squealer!) and set about a remedy - uncharacteristically for him, that evening he prepared my lunch for me, and in a display of remarkable generosity, he made two, one for me and one for the lunch-bandits. "You keep this in your PE kit" he said emphatically handing me one foil wrapped parcel, "and this", handing me the other wrapped in the waxed paper of a Wonder-loaf loaf, "keep in your satchel. You eat the one in bacofoil and put the other in your locker." I looked puzzled. "And do not eat the one in the locker". He was very insistent on the last point, so I did not argue. The following day for the first time in many weeks, I ate a cheese sandwich for lunch, it wasn't the best cheese sandwich in the world but it was food, on returning to my locker the second lunch was, as expected, gone - which was great except I was unprepared for the ensuing dead-leg delivered by an peed-off student several inches taller than I and was surrounded by several of his 'mates' - "I hate effing fish paste" he politely informed me and suggested I produced something different tomorrow if I knew what was good for me. Being bright, I was fully aware of what was good for me, I was also sure he'd rumbled the two lunch-pack ruse, so I relayed this message back to my dad - who just smiled. Quite a wicked smile if truth be told.
The next day I went to school with three lunches - one foil-wrapped and hidden in my PE kit, one paper-wrapped to put in my locker and one other foil-wrapped to keep in my satchel - but again with strict instructions to only eat the one in my PE kit. "If they try to take the one from your satchel, tell them it's your's and it's fish paste." He said, again with that wicked smile.
Inevitable to say, my lunch was hijacked before it reached the locker and I was relieved of both lunches from my satchel, even after I'd warned them "mine" was fish-paste. Oddly I was never bothered after that, from then until I left school 5 years later I ate my lunch in peace. Well, not so odd once my dad had revealed the secret that while the fish paste was in reality Kit-e-Kat™ cat food and would cause no harm to anyone and the second was just some Nutella™ spread - both were laced with laxative.
 Edited by Dean - April 26 2013 at 10:14 |
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Jim Garten
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru Joined: February 02 2004 Location: South England Status: Offline Points: 14693 |
Posted: April 26 2013 at 10:22 |
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I like your dad!
Please tell me the added extra was Picolax & my day will be complete
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012 |
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chopper
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator Joined: July 13 2005 Location: Essex, UK Status: Offline Points: 19942 |
Posted: April 26 2013 at 10:38 |
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This is the afore-mentioned story of the jellyfish in the diving suit -
Bad day at the office - Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the contest for "The worse day at the office"(He wasn't thrilled with her for that one). Anyway, anytime you think you have had a bad day at the office, remember this guy. Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother... Last week I had a bad day at work. I know you have been feeling down lately at work so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I tell you, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. This time of year the water is quite cool, even with a wetsuit. So to keep warm we have this diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of sh*t sucks the water out of the sea, heats it, and then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose that is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints, What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and put it down the neck of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So,of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under your cast. I don't have any hair on my back so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my ass! I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. It totaled 35 minutes before I could come to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to "Here, Shove it up your ass"! The cream put the fire out all right, but I couldn't sh*t for three days because my a****le was swollen shut! Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to accidentally shove a jellyfish up your ass! |
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Jim Garten
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru Joined: February 02 2004 Location: South England Status: Offline Points: 14693 |
Posted: April 26 2013 at 10:44 |
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Swollen shut?
 Hmmm - the perfect torture, jellyfish venom applied externally & Picolax internally... simultaneously! |
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012 |
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Triceratopsoil
Forum Senior Member
Joined: April 03 2010 Location: Canada Status: Offline Points: 17995 |
Posted: April 26 2013 at 11:25 |
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I feel like I shouldn't read this at work
Oh well, here goes |
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Dean
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin and Amateur Layabout Joined: May 13 2007 Location: Europe Status: Offline Points: 37575 |
Posted: April 26 2013 at 11:35 |
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As a seasoned course-fisherman it is a foregone conclusion that he would have liked you too Jim.
It is generally agreed (I think it's recorded somewhere for posterity) that my dad was "a great bloke" - if that phrase had never existed then someone would have invented it just for him. He was a man of snap judgements and sharp wit who, when both traits are combined into an unassuming man of barely 5'2", could deliver precision humour of outstanding accuracy that bigger men would back-off in quiet admiration rather than take him on. If he liked you (which he usually did, though if he took an instant dislike to you it would last a lifetime) then there is nothing he would not do to help and nothing was too much trouble - he was, as they say now-a-days, old skool.
That's not say he was all sweetness and light or a saint among men, on one occasion we taking a leak in a pub bogs when a 6' bruiser of a guy (think brick-sh*thouse with legs and a head but no visible signs of having a neck) who was stood in the urinal next to him laughed and said "Dead-eyed Dick, I never miss" - "Neither do I", dad replied as he rocked him back on his heels with a single punch to the gut. Too stunned to do anything, I just stood there open mouthed before my dad grabbed me by the arm and we quickly vacated the premises sharpish before the poor chap decided to retaliate. As we got in the car I (understandably) asked in what the f___ that was about... His face cracked that wicked smile... "He pissed on my boots".
I suspect the laxative used was common or garden senna pod - he wasn't that evil.
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CPicard
Forum Senior Member
Joined: October 03 2008 Location: Là, sui monti. Status: Offline Points: 10837 |
Posted: April 26 2013 at 12:16 |
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I want my username changed into "Agent Picolax".
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AEProgman
Forum Senior Member
Joined: August 11 2012 Location: Toadstool Status: Offline Points: 1787 |
Posted: April 26 2013 at 13:11 |
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I lost it at "pimp daddy of laxatives". I still have not gotten through it all yet as I keep losing it, face is red and can't see the screen anymore! I have a meeting in few minutes, I don't know if I can get through it....
Having just done this a few months ago with Agent Picolax made even funnier. There is nothing like nurses encouraging you to let it rip when it is over with a bunch of other people in the room...
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Man With Hat
Collaborator 
Jazz-Rock/Fusion/Canterbury Team Joined: March 12 2005 Location: Neurotica Status: Offline Points: 166178 |
Posted: April 26 2013 at 16:37 |
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that is unfortunate. Though one thing is unclear, was he suppose to put the hose into the wetsuit itself? |
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Dig me...But don't...Bury me
I'm running still, I shall until, one day, I hope that I'll arrive Warning: Listening to jazz excessively can cause a laxative effect. |
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Possibly one of the funniest forum threads ever.
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I was lying on a bed in the presence of 4 women with my (impresssive and majestic) bare arse hanging out of a childs dress