| Star_Song_Age_Less wrote:|
Thank you very kindly for this careful listening - Everything you say here makes sense to me and I was thinking some of it to myself while listening it over before I posted it. (Not all, though - the speechlike quality was unconscious, and I think not appropriate now that you alerted me to it - that's exactly the sort of thing that I need to find out!).
Differences between the different verses - definitely agree. I intended to provide some variation in the form of new layers of backing vocals and synth parts in each verse, though I never record those things until I've heard the demo about 50 times. What do you think - would a large variation in additional tracks fit your bill, or do you think the base of it needs to be tweaked?
Also agree on the strength of the "chorus" - in my head it sounds so powerful but I don't think it translated on this demo. I'm not sure why, yet.
Edit: I just realized, I forgot to mention - what you said about the intro was spot-on. I did have an intro for this but it just wasn't working quite right for me yet so I left it out. The intro keyboard part is minor and otherwise modified version of the verse part, and I had originally written an entire song based off that original theme (in the minor key), then scrapped almost all of it, leaving only the beginning. Now I left that beginning out of this recording... something needs to be there, but I just don't quite have it right yet.
No worries! My thoughts when listening to the demo were a change in the vocal melody itself, but simply adding parts and building the texture may do it just as well, itís hard to say from a piano demo. Hope it works out!
| Star_Song_Age_Less wrote:|
Just added a sample of my song "Faith" to the page: https://www.facebook.com/JamieKernMusic . This one is basically done, it's a mixdown, but it hasn't been mastered. It's probably the 2nd-most-polished one I have at the moment. The clip at least gives you an idea for the flavor of the song. I don't know what genre to call it, really, especially based on the structure of the entire song, which is something like ABCDmodCED... no key changes, though... and it clocks in at 4:32.
Nice! This once again seems to fall pretty well into the kind of prog-influenced ballads being done by new bands, and as Iíve said before, that combined with being piano-based and having female vocals makes it a little reminiscent of iamthemorning. Perhaps a little more attention could be paid to the mixing of the vocals? They donít always quite sit in place.
| Polymorphia wrote:|
I wrote two lyrics recently. I was wondering if they weren't a little bit overwrought/melodramatic. I'm going to post it in prose form (I wrote it in prose form to practice trying to make coherent thoughts). Mainly, I don't want anybody to feel like they don't have an opinion on it. It seems sometimes people are scared away by the stanza form or it messes with the way they try to interpret the lyrics. If it's incoherent, melodramatic, whatever, I want to know. Here's the first:
Hapless Victims of the Sun
| Look at you now, squeezing yourself small, under the cover of your eyelids. Shall we disturb them with frightening awareness of a single, fragile motion? Youíve had your beginning and will end when itís finally complete. A house of cards on a table of entropy, every trace of you will fall away, fall away, fall away, in the cosmic shift, you fall away, fall away, to a hearse youíll know for so long, unsought. Long unsought. Trepidation. Donít pull away, son. I will grip you ever tighter. You know my voice well, since you were a child, playing silently in gardens. From your first breath, you were devoured in the fiery exposure. Until your last one, it seems youíll continue to run away run away, run away, in the cosmic shift, run away, run away, to a hearse youíll know for so long, unsought. Long unsought. In mouths of sun, I feel swallowed.|
| Polymorphia wrote:|
And the other:
| She is my shelter. Try. My thoughts venture elsewhere. And I try. Iím tired of being awake. I pray that I could love the mother of all flesh, solid ground. She is my entrance. Try. But I am not present. And I try. Iím tired of being awake. I pray that I could love the mother of all flesh, solid ground. I am a drifter in the spaces above me. People and places pass under me without notice. Tragedies fail to reach me. Alone in my cold expanse, I fear I am scarcely human. I want to be lucid. I pray that I could love the mother of all flesh, solid ground.|
I like these. Itís very difficult to tell how they will work as lyrics, when written in prose, but obviously the lack of strong rhymes will make it difficult to use for some material (though I tend to prefer largely unrhymed poetry as well). On the other hand, reading it as prose makes the phrases seem very fragmented and short, which should work well as lyrics. I like the style in general and they should make a good base for song lyrics that you can tweak to fit the song, but yeah, itís hard to judge them properly as they are.