Poetry #too.

progismylife wrote: No title, yet : It is you, not me No, it can't be You're the one Why can't you all see? Get this jacket off me My arms don't need to be Tied behind my back I'm not the menace To society You just play on other's fears You have the paranoia Someone always watching you Tick tock tick tock What's that? A rhythm inside the wall? Help! Can you hear me? I'm the one stuck on th inside No don't leave me... Like I said, it has no title. Suggestions would be helpful.

I thought I should repost this. I like it a lot but it needs a title.
    

Not really.

COuld it be considered lyrics though?

Darkening Crescendo

The sun grew brighter each day
Until I learned it was the last of it I'd see
The water ran swiftly from the heavens
And the sky grew dark
No pale orb to reflect what once was

The dark grew customary
Until seeing the light hurt my eyes
I cannot bear to look at
The burning wick of the candle stick
In my bleak darkness I'll stay

When will the sun break through the clouds?
A glimpse of air will save me
Goodbye blue skies
Maybe another day
You will come to me

progismylife wrote: Inpraiseoffolly, I sort of revised that poem thing I posted in Moody Noobs. Here it is: Wishful Wanting the dream to come again Trying to bring back a memory Quickly fading, colours drain All is black and white Where did it all go? Why does it have to leave? Out of touch I try to lock it all the way Throw the key down the well Pretend to block that feeling from my mind But too late I’ve been found out Drown myself in the blues Only to find that the muse Drags me back to the shore Maybe the clouds will go away And bring out the sun If only things were this bright On the inside

    
I took out a line from the second stanza. It seems to work.

Thoughts Delayed By a Deadbolt????^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

No, it doesn't. Keep working at it, though. If you get it right, it will greatly help the poem.

One thing I might try is take a piece of paper and rewrite what you already have. You may find that the line comes to you as do so.

progismylife wrote: Inpraiseoffolly, I sort of revised that poem thing I posted in Moody Noobs. Here it is: Wishful Wanting the dream to come again Trying to bring back a memory Quickly fading, colours drain All is black and white Where did it all go? Why does it have to leave? Out of touch with The thoughts in my mind I try to lock it all the way Throw the key down the well Pretend to block that feeling from my mind But too late I’ve been found out Drown myself in the blues Only to find that the muse Drags me back to the shore Maybe the clouds will go away And bring out the sun If only things were this bright On the inside

    
Much better, I really like it. One piece of advice is to make the second to last stanza four lines (or the second stanza three lines) for a sense of continuity. But, again, it's gotten a lot better.

Inpraiseoffolly, I sort of revised that poem thing I posted in Moody Noobs. Here it is:

Wishful

Wanting the dream to come again
Trying to bring back a memory
Quickly fading, colours drain
All is black and white

Where did it all go?
Why does it have to leave?
Out of touch with
The thoughts in my mind

I try to lock it all the way
Throw the key down the well
Pretend to block that feeling from my mind
But too late I’ve been found out

Drown myself in the blues
Only to find that the muse
Drags me back to the shore

Maybe the clouds will go away
And bring out the sun
If only things were this bright
On the inside

    

Edited by progismylife - November 18 2006 at 09:36

Geck0 wrote: Did you read through mine?

    
I really liked them. I've been into sonnets lately, and if there's one piece of advice I can give, it's that sonnets are more interesting when you choose your own rhyme scheme. For example, here is a sonnet I wrote with the following line scheme (X/Y - X indicates the rhyme on the fifth syllable of a line):

A/A
A/B
C/C
C/B
D/D
D/E
F/F
F/E
G/G
G/H
I/I
I/H
J/K
J/K

The Follies of Youth:

While gathered today, the people all pray
That they might someday find purpose in life
The poor chained inmates locked behind church gates
To escape their fate, the cut of the knife
They all lift their heads, to face waht they dread
A life of the dead in the near future
Talking to the king, hoping he might bring
A silent cloaking of human nature
And the things they do to win life anew
Yet they all stay true, to life they create
The lies they hold dear to overcome fear
Of suffering here, at the hands of fate
They mindlessly hold to a far-out truth
Suffering while old from follies of youth

And one in:

A
B
C
A
B
B
C
D
E
C
D
D
E
E

EDIT: Title = The Plight of the Talking Heads

Gathered round the table the greatest heads
Laze in their lounge chairs, pretending to think
Planning the future of a failing race
Before time has slowly killed them all dead
With their survival standing at the brink
The lazing heads watch as their chances sink
The brains in the war room seem out of place
It's not their natural situation
They'd rather be out amidst all the gore
For you can hide a brain behind a face
But there isn't much to be done
When the actual brains do not funtion
And the grave sight the enemies watch for -
Our severed arms seizuring on the floor
    

Any suggestions for improvement are GREATLY appreciated, even if the comments are somewhat negative. I'd rather they get better than go around thinking they're better than they are.

I'll get a few more up soon.
    

Edited by inpraiseoffolly - November 18 2006 at 09:34