Poker Video Games- WTF

Is it just me, or can no one make a poker game that makes any sense?

About every poker game I've ever played (dating back to NES) has had some good qualities, but they all have at least one (and usually only one) ridiculous, horrid flaw.

For instance:



This fixed almost everything I didn't like about



but adds horrendousness.

(First of all, forget graphics.  It's f**king poker- who cares about that?)

The sequel adds real people, a world map, and a semi-storyline.  You start in your parents' basement hosting poker games with guys who look old enough to be your dad (well, I guess that depends on how you make your person look.  My guy looked as close to me as I could get it, which is to say, like Julius Caeser with acne, because in this game, if you are white, you have facial blemishes.  That's what you get for not picking a minority).

ANYWHO

So yeah, old people in your parents' basement.  Well, if you win enough dough there, you get to go to Europe.  That's right- you win $200 in your parents' basement playing old dudes and you are off to Europe!

There's an actual storyline.  You get to choose your tournaments (because airfare and lodging as you travel the world is not going to cost anything) and if you win, you move on to the next week.

Read that again.

If you win, you move on to the next week.  In other words, all time hinges upon your winning or loses a poker game.  If you lose, you have to play the same week (i.e., one of the same choice of tournaments) again in order to make time go forward.  Note, however, that you will not necessarily be playing against the same people that bluffed you out of all your blinds last time.

So winning and losing affects your very existence in time. 

That was my big problem with the game.  I prefer games that let you go on despite losing- like Battlefield 1942 or marriage.

Oh, also, your new homes?  All over the damn world.  You go from your parent's basement to like a nasty apartment in Australia.  As you progress, it's like mansions only exist in South America (well this place was more like a damn castle, so I don't know.  I picture Ivan living there, since he's in South America and a lawyer and all)- whatever the case, poker players who were just 6 months ago in their parents' basement eating Pop Tarts and counting cockroaches don't belong there.  It's a castle.

You also have a pawn shop (which is in Florida, by the way.  Your castle is in South America, or your apartment is in Australia or you are in your parents' basement in the Midwest) and your only source of any goods or services (because you can get loans) is in Florida. 

I get it isn't realistic.  I know that.  It's a video game.  But come on.

Still, it's poker, and everything else is just eye candy (kinda) and carrots-on-the-stick (kinda) and just for fun (kinda), right?

Well, I got into another game recently:



This seemed promising.

Yes, it is cheesy, but the actual poker is quick without a lot of animation and silliness bearing down on the actual game. 

You play as a short guy (or lady) in Texas who plays poker tournaments and cash games to buy people's property right out from under them (so Libertarians should be all over this sh*t).

Which I did.  I won a butt-ton of cash, bought all the property in the town (which has like 5 buildings and at least a dozen people, so people are either homeless or shacking up).  Anyway, it came time for me to leave town.  I was excited and ready to roll!

You can't just walk to the next town, you know.  It's too far!  You need a horse.  A horse with teeth even (possibly).  Makes sense.  It's Texas.

Very well.  I have $500 and I own all the buildings in this town, I'll just go to the horse shop I just bought and-

What's that?

Well, it seems you have to play poker one-on-one against the best player in the town to win a horse and leave.  Even though you just bought his whole f**king horse shop this past Wednesday.

One-on-one poker games in any context are typically boring to me- even more so in a Texas Hold 'Em video game.  There's no human emotion, no tells, nothing.  Especially in this game, because it's top-down and all you see is the dudes' (and dudettes') hats. 

So even though I own over $1,100 in real estate and have $500 in cash, I can't leave town because I have to win a f**king horse.


Edited by Epignosis - October 06 2010 at 09:00

why don't you just play poker online?

Most people who just want to play poker do it online against real people.  I take it you like the whole storyline aspect, but dont like any of the specific storylines?

My problem with these games isn't the poker aspect itself or with the stories themselves- it's the ridiculous mechanics of the story line.

It's the same principle as having a FPS where you can blow up helicopters and reduce stone walls to rubble, but you have to find a key to unlock a frail wooden door. 


Edited by Epignosis - October 06 2010 at 07:34

Equality 7-2521 wrote: You could have made a nice deposit on FullTilt for the money you spent on those games.

And just how much money did I spend on these games? 

Equality 7-2521 wrote: Between $20 and $60 dollars I would say.

I got the two X-box games for around $5 each and the third one is a free online game. 

Just found the first xbox one for under a fiver.

I play Poker Superstars II:

http://store.steampowered.com/app/4100/

It's Texas Hold'em,  and what I like most about it is that you can set it to like ultra speed where one hand is played in a couple of seconds if no interaction is required (e.g. you fold or go all in).


Edited by Mr ProgFreak - October 06 2010 at 09:38

Poke it around if it dies down, oh yeah.

That card game never caught on with me.

I am an actual Texas Hold 'Em champeen but I don't play cards on computers. Don't like it. (Or maybe I can't win without being able to read faces.)