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presdoug 
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 24 2010
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 8849
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 Topic: Bad jokes...
Posted: April 23 2011 at 22:47 |
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Did you hear of the man who had a tattoo of a map of Canada printed over his body?
Every time he sits down, Quebec separates
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CCVP
Prog Reviewer
Joined: September 15 2007
Location: Vitória, Brasil
Status: Offline
Points: 7971
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Posted: April 22 2011 at 18:40 |
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This one is a fairly strong joke, and can be randomly assembled:
What's the difference between X (person) and Y (defamatory object, such as a toilet, feces, etc)? Y isn't addicted to/don't do Z (drug, gambling, killing, etc).
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Andy Webb
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin
Joined: June 04 2010
Location: Terria
Status: Offline
Points: 13298
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Posted: April 22 2011 at 18:23 |
 Anthony H. wrote:
A man is walking alone on a beach. Suddenly, he is shocked to find a quadruple-amputee woman laying down in the sand. The woman is crying and is clearly in great distress.
"Oh my god! What's wrong?" asks the man.
"I'm so sad," she responds. "I've never been hugged in my whole life." The man then gives her a hug. However, she keeps crying.
"Well, what's wrong now?" asks the man.
"I'm so sad," she responds. "I've never been kissed in my whole life." The man then kisses her. Nevertheless, she is still crying.
"Now what's wrong?" asks the man.
"I'm so sad," she responds. "I've never been f**ked in my whole life." The man then picks her up and throws her into the ocean.
"There. Now you're f**ked."
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That's hilarious 
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presdoug
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 24 2010
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 8849
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Posted: April 22 2011 at 15:07 |
Dean wrote:
A mother of three is having a quiet moment to herself while her children are sat watching TV, when the first child comes up to her and asks
"Mummy, why did you call me Rose?". To which the mother smiles and replies,
"When you were a baby, a rose petal floated in through the sunlit window and landed on your head." On hearing this the second kid looks up and asks:
"Mommy, why did you call me Daisy?" The mother, beginning to get tetchy at these questions interupting her moment of peace, curtly answers,
"When you were a baby, I dropped a daisy on your head."
Then the third kid says "Rarrfgdxdb garblefarbleblock".
"Not now, Brick." |
^-Good one!
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Dean
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin and Amateur Layabout
Joined: May 13 2007
Location: Europe
Status: Offline
Points: 37575
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Posted: April 22 2011 at 10:52 |
A mother of three is having a quiet moment to herself while her children are sat watching TV, when the first child comes up to her and asks
"Mummy, why did you call me Rose?". To which the mother smiles and replies,
"When you were a baby, a rose petal floated in through the sunlit window and landed on your head." On hearing this the second kid looks up and asks:
"Mommy, why did you call me Daisy?" The mother, beginning to get tetchy at these questions interupting her moment of peace, curtly answers,
"When you were a baby, I dropped a daisy on your head."
Then the third kid says "Rarrfgdxdb garblefarbleblock".
"Not now, Brick."
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What?
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npjnpj
Forum Senior Member
Joined: December 05 2007
Location: Germany
Status: Offline
Points: 2720
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Posted: April 16 2011 at 17:26 |
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The US army has developed a new supercomputer for battle strategies.
The general is holding a simulation test with it and sitting in front of a map, asks this computer: "Is the enemy approaching from the North or the South?"
The machine responds: "Yes", whereupon the general asks: "Yes, what?", and the computer answers: "Yes, Sir"
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presdoug
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 24 2010
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 8849
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Posted: April 15 2011 at 21:54 |
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Did you hear about the Fruit Grocer that was charged?
he was impeached for being impaired.
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presdoug
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 24 2010
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 8849
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Posted: April 13 2011 at 19:59 |
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Did you hear about the orgy in Sherwood Forest?
While Robin Hood Maid Marion, Friar Tuck Jumped for Joy!
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presdoug
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 24 2010
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 8849
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Posted: April 12 2011 at 17:25 |
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a woman went to her doctor and said-"I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, i'm a teepee, i'm a wigwam"
he said to her, "No, you're too tense"
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AerosolKid95
Forum Newbie
Joined: March 25 2011
Location: England
Status: Offline
Points: 3
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Posted: March 30 2011 at 15:29 |
Venison's deer isn't it
Stationary store moves
Dwarf shortage.
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AtomicCrimsonRush
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: July 02 2008
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 14258
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Posted: February 19 2011 at 23:05 |
WISDOM OF LIFE
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbour’s newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you are unique -- just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry -- It only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force -- It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass, then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
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daz2112
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 18 2006
Location: England
Status: Offline
Points: 4483
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Posted: January 17 2011 at 10:10 |
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my neighbour knocked my door at 2.30 am!! 2.30 i ask you......lucky i was still up playing my drums!
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In the constellation of cygnus,There lurks a mysterious force...The black hole
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Tuzvihar
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: May 18 2005
Location: C. Schinesghe
Status: Offline
Points: 13536
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Posted: January 06 2011 at 09:26 |
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The people who annoy you.
N_GGERS
The right answer is of course:
NAGGERS
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"Music is much like f**king, but some composers can't climax and others climax too often, leaving themselves and the listener jaded and spent."
Charles Bukowski
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The Runaway
Forum Senior Member
Joined: May 28 2009
Location: London
Status: Offline
Points: 3144
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Posted: December 21 2010 at 09:04 |
markosherrera wrote:
General called the sergeant by telephone at 3.00 am and answer a soldier
- Alo!, said the soldier.
- Give me the sergeant and hurry.
- Sorry, my General, Sergeant is sleeping and do not want to be bothered, call tomorrow.
- Look no jurisdiction, pass the sergeant now!, the general replied.
- Are you Birdbrain or what, I told the sergeant's sleeping and do not want to be bothered, morning call, the soldier yells.
- Lord, Do you know who I am? ", yells the general.
- I do not know and does not interest me that thing, "yells the soldiers.
- I am your general!, yells the general.
- SHIIIIIIIIT!!! And you know, who am I, asks the soldier:
- No, 'said the general.
- Ah, how good! ... ... .. ... .. and hung up.Traducir cualquier sitio web |
The soldier must be really drunk because he called him general in the start of the conversation
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markosherrera
Forum Senior Member
Joined: October 01 2006
Location: World
Status: Offline
Points: 3252
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Posted: December 17 2010 at 16:48 |
Eduardo wanted desperately to have sex with Issa, who is really cute, really hot girl in your office ...... but she was dating someone else.
One day Edward was so frustrated that he went to her and said:
'I give you $ 100,000 if you let me make love' ..
Issa looked at him and then said, 'NO '.
Eduardo said:
'I'll do super fast. I will throw you money on the floor, you bend down and I have done as you pick it up. "
She thinks for a moment and says he'll consult with her boyfriend Fehr.
She speaks and explains the situation. Her boyfriend says
'Ask $ 200,000 and collects the money as quickly as possible. Even gives you time to drop their pants ...
She agrees and accepts the proposal.
Half an hour and Fehr is awaiting a call from Issa .....
Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks:
'What happened? "
She still breathing very agitated enough to reply:
Here I am still ...
... The son of a bitch tossed them into pure one hundred coins!
Traducir cualquier sitio web
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Hi progmaniacs of all the world
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markosherrera
Forum Senior Member
Joined: October 01 2006
Location: World
Status: Offline
Points: 3252
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Posted: December 17 2010 at 16:31 |
General called the sergeant by telephone at 3.00 am and answer a soldier
- Alo!, said the soldier.
- Give me the sergeant and hurry.
- Sorry, my General, Sergeant is sleeping and do not want to be bothered, call tomorrow.
- Look no jurisdiction, pass the sergeant now!, the general replied.
- Are you Birdbrain or what, I told the sergeant's sleeping and do not want to be bothered, morning call, the soldier yells.
- Lord, Do you know who I am? ", yells the general.
- I do not know and does not interest me that thing, "yells the soldiers.
- I am your general!, yells the general.
- SHIIIIIIIIT!!! And you know, who am I, asks the soldier:
- No, 'said the general.
- Ah, how good! ... ... .. ... .. and hung up.Traducir cualquier sitio web
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Hi progmaniacs of all the world
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markosherrera
Forum Senior Member
Joined: October 01 2006
Location: World
Status: Offline
Points: 3252
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Posted: December 17 2010 at 16:26 |
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A woman will get the passport. The duty officer asked:
- How many children you have, ma'am?
- Ten.
- How are they called?
- Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, Bernardo, and Bernardo.
- Are all called Bernardo?.
- And how to call it when, for example, are all playing out?
- Very simple, I shout BERNARDO t really hard and all come running
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Hi progmaniacs of all the world
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Dean
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin and Amateur Layabout
Joined: May 13 2007
Location: Europe
Status: Offline
Points: 37575
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Posted: December 07 2010 at 13:53 |
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^ I prefer Pete Sinfield's version, but only just.
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What?
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Tapfret
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator / Retired Admin
Joined: August 12 2007
Location: Bryant, Wa
Status: Offline
Points: 8634
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Posted: December 07 2010 at 13:41 |
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^I hate to tell you, but there's a few holes in that one.
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presdoug
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 24 2010
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 8849
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Posted: December 07 2010 at 13:13 |
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Did you hear the joke about the three wells?
"Well, Well, Well!"
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Bad jokes...
