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Peter 
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: January 31 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 9669
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 Topic: A Young Person's Guide to Metal
Posted: June 06 2006 at 08:19 |
 Jim Garten wrote:
Runs frantically (yet still coquettishly...) for the bedroom, and the only comfort in these cruel times - his signed copy of Liza Minelli's magnum opus: "Cabaret For Proggers - The Pallas Years"...
"Liza, Liza - nobody understands!"
Dramatically throws arm over forehead for that tragic maiden look, misses balance & falls off bed, knocking over zircon encrusted combination bidet/commode/makeup bag, and lands legs akimbo with his head in the ashtray.
"Bugger"
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Ha!
 I think "slim shaven limbs akimbo" would work well there, Jimberly. 
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"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
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Jim Garten
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru
Joined: February 02 2004
Location: South England
Status: Offline
Points: 14693
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Posted: June 06 2006 at 07:39 |
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You Swines! You damned hateful, spiteful swines!
+++sob+++
Flounces out of room, melodramatically throwing feather boa over left shoulder of brand new risque (and deleriously fetching) cerise lamee party frock, trips over trailing end & falls face first into hi-fi unit, simultaneously scratching only copy of "Barbara Streisand Sings Opeth", squashing faithful pink dyed poodle "Foo-Foo" and breaking a nail...
"AAaaaaaggghhhh! - my nails! my nails!"
Runs frantically (yet still coquettishly...) for the bedroom, and the only comfort in these cruel times - his signed copy of Liza Minelli's magnum opus: "Cabaret For Proggers - The Pallas Years"...
"Liza, Liza - nobody understands!"
Dramatically throws arm over forehead for that tragic maiden look, misses balance & falls off bed, knocking over zircon encrusted combination bidet/commode/makeup bag, and lands legs akimbo with his head in the ashtray.
"Bugger"
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
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Rorro
Forum Senior Member
Joined: December 31 2005
Location: Uruguay
Status: Offline
Points: 508
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Posted: June 06 2006 at 05:25 |
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The Post of the year
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Barla
Forum Senior Member
Joined: April 13 2006
Location: Argentina
Status: Offline
Points: 4309
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Posted: June 04 2006 at 00:34 |
Funny, very funny !! 
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Velvetclown
Forum Senior Member
Joined: February 13 2004
Status: Offline
Points: 8548
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Posted: June 02 2006 at 10:04 |
Oh Lard please
Deliver me
From the Methane !!!!!!! 
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Velvetclown
Forum Senior Member
Joined: February 13 2004
Status: Offline
Points: 8548
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Posted: June 02 2006 at 09:59 |
Gartens got a PURDY MOUTH 
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Peter
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: January 31 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 9669
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Posted: June 01 2006 at 23:43 |
Joren wrote:
The colour of the wig is pretty natural as well. Looking good there Jimbo! You look like a hippie drag queen! 
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Yeah, sort of like a fruit-flavoured version of the old degenerate on the Aqualung cover:
Hmmm... Let's call him......... Faggin' V
The jig is up, Jimberly!
Edited by Peter Rideout - June 02 2006 at 00:43
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"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
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Joren
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: February 07 2004
Location: Netherlands
Status: Offline
Points: 6667
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Posted: June 01 2006 at 15:51 |
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Jim Garten
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru
Joined: February 02 2004
Location: South England
Status: Offline
Points: 14693
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Posted: June 01 2006 at 09:55 |
 - I wish!
You'd be surprised how many people have asked me that this week...
It was a wig unceremoniously dumped on my head at a party last weekend; pure coincidence that it actually seems to suit me (my hair hasn't been that length for over 10 years now... )
Edited by Jim Garten - June 01 2006 at 09:56
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
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Joren
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: February 07 2004
Location: Netherlands
Status: Offline
Points: 6667
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Posted: June 01 2006 at 09:46 |
Jim Garten wrote:
billbuckner wrote:
Black Metal and Death Metal: ...The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs |
Ooooh - nail on the head sir, nail on the head. 
Check this little lot out...
Just how long did it take to come up with a name as menacingly lame as "Bomb Death"?
Peter Rideout wrote:
Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal |
... but let's face it Peter, most Death-Core-I-Love-Satan's-Willy-Live-With-Mom-And-Have-No-Girlfriend-Metal just boils down to recycled 1969 Black Sabbath out-takes, played at 100 mph to hide the lack of any discernible talent.
Peter (Espiritu Satanus Exelsior) Rideout, that infernal imp of the Lord Of Silence wrote:
Now, don't tell any of my picky proghole pals here, or my rep is shot, but... I burned a copy of "Enter Sandman" a couple of years back and... I still dig it! |
 There's hope for you yet! All together, now:
"It's just the beast under your bed, In your closet, In your Head...."
...I always knew you were from Never-Never land....
Hmmm - I wonder... would the addition of a little additional hair entitle me to create my own death metal band - The Satanic Cthulu Bananas
Whaddya think?
WHHHOOOOOAAAARRRRGH!!!!
Etc.
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WTF? Is that a wig or is that your real hair? 
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Eetu Pellonpaa
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: June 17 2005
Location: Finland
Status: Offline
Points: 4828
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Posted: May 31 2006 at 07:47 |
| GRIND METAL
Knight comes in, yells for two minutes something not understood by anyone and leaves |
This is my music!
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Jim Garten
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru
Joined: February 02 2004
Location: South England
Status: Offline
Points: 14693
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Posted: May 31 2006 at 07:37 |
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
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sleeper
Prog Reviewer
Joined: October 09 2005
Location: Entropia
Status: Offline
Points: 16449
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Posted: May 31 2006 at 07:22 |
I want to know were the name Sandwich Boys came from.
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Spending more than I should on Prog since 2005
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VanderGraafKommandöh
Prog Reviewer
Joined: July 04 2005
Location: Malaria
Status: Offline
Points: 89372
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Posted: May 31 2006 at 04:08 |
Nice t-shirt! 
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Jim Garten
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru
Joined: February 02 2004
Location: South England
Status: Offline
Points: 14693
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Posted: May 31 2006 at 03:27 |
billbuckner wrote:
Black Metal and Death Metal: ...The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs |
Ooooh - nail on the head sir, nail on the head.
Check this little lot out...
Just how long did it take to come up with a name as menacingly lame as "Bomb Death"?
Peter Rideout wrote:
Reduce Re-use and Recycle Metal |
... but let's face it Peter, most Death-Core-I-Love-Satan's-Willy-Live-With-Mom-And-Have-No-Girlfriend-Metal just boils down to recycled 1969 Black Sabbath out-takes, played at 100 mph to hide the lack of any discernible talent.
Peter (Espiritu Satanus Exelsior) Rideout, that infernal imp of the Lord Of Silence wrote:
Now, don't tell any of my picky proghole pals here, or my rep is shot, but... I burned a copy of "Enter Sandman" a couple of years back and... I still dig it! |
There's hope for you yet! All together, now:
"It's just the beast under your bed, In your closet, In your Head...."
...I always knew you were from Never-Never land....
Hmmm - I wonder... would the addition of a little additional hair entitle me to create my own death metal band - The Satanic Cthulu Bananas
Whaddya think?
WHHHOOOOOAAAARRRRGH!!!!
Etc.
Edited by Jim Garten - May 31 2006 at 03:37
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
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chamberry
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: October 24 2005
Location: Puerto Rico
Status: Offline
Points: 9008
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Posted: May 31 2006 at 02:17 |
All of those lists are a laugh!
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Trickster F.
Prog Reviewer
Joined: February 10 2006
Location: Belize
Status: Offline
Points: 5308
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Posted: May 31 2006 at 00:41 |
billbuckner wrote:
That's awesome. Reminds me of this article from "Your Band Sucks"
Metal: Okay, we know what this one is. This is where guys with long hair wail like tone-deaf banshees and play jerk-off guitar solos for arenas full of sleazy heshers with flimsy mustaches, dragon t-shirts, and 14-year-old girlfriends. I thought it died out in the late Eighties, but I guess some sorry souls are still clinging to its corpse.
Black Metal and Death Metal: This is that awful tomfoolery with the big pretentious song structures and “BWAAARGHHH” vocals and Scandinavian guys who burn down orphanages and eat each others’ brains, right? The best part of this stuff is the band names, which sound like ten-year-olds trying to name their secret no-girls-allowed clubs.
Brutal Death Metal: I assume this is like death metal but with slightly more intense band names. Like, for example, instead of a pedestrian death metal name like “Festering Corpse,” maybe a brutal death metal band would be called “Grotesque Festering Corpse.”
[80’s] Hair Metal: Shh, we’re trying to forget.
Fantasy Metal: Well, all metal fans play Dungeons and Dragons and read sh*tty fantasy novels. That’s just a given. But some of them are so nerdy that they can’t even enjoy their metal without explicit references to elves and swords and dragon-slaying. Hence this crap.
Fantasy Death Metal: Same as above, I’d imagine, but probably deals with mercilessly slaughtering elves for Satan.
Metalcore: Adding “core” to the end of a type of music is functionally the same as adding “for morons in white belts.” So, take all the awfulness of hardcore and add some bitchin’ guitar riffs. Or, alternatively, take metal and remove anything that might be mistaken for music.
Grind: How does one even go about distinguishing a good grind band from a bad one? I posit that it’s impossible, and I don’t think I can be proven wrong.
Light Metal: I’ve never heard of it. Is it like light rock? Is it metal for sissies? Somewhere out there is there the metal equivalent of Christopher Cross? “When you get caught between the moon and Satan’s fiery maw…”
Rap Metal: I’d say that rap metal is music for stupid people, but that’s not really fair. Everyone who listens to rap metal is stupid, but not all stupid people listen to rap metal.
Rap-Black-Metal: Rap metal with creepy Scandinavian guys?
Rap-Death-Black-Nu-Metalcore: Rap metal with creepy Scandanavian guys and scarier names and white belts?
Pop-Punk: The opposite of punk.
Nu-Metal: The opposite of… music.
Goth Metal: Stay away from this stuff, kids, it’s bad news and you don’t need it (writing that gives me credit toward my state-mandated community service hours).
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This one is pretty stupid.
-- Ivan
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sig
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Arsillus
Forum Senior Member
Joined: March 26 2005
Location: United States
Status: Offline
Points: 7374
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Posted: May 30 2006 at 23:22 |
Great stuff.
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stonebeard
Forum Senior Member
Joined: May 27 2005
Location: NE Indiana
Status: Offline
Points: 28057
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Posted: May 30 2006 at 20:39 |
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Peter
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: January 31 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 9669
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Posted: May 30 2006 at 19:56 |
sleeper wrote:
^Thats a fantastic road sign |
It's from my home province -- the moose don't fool around there: they're actually out to kill you! (Then they eat your car!)
Edited by Peter Rideout - May 30 2006 at 19:57
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"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
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A Young Person's Guide to Metal
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