Kelly Clarkson, the original American Idol winner, originally studied to be a marine biologist before going on Idol and winning, abandoning her marine biology career. While she got better, her debut album Thank You was absolutely abysmal and I'll never forget Q's tagline for their review:

"Marine biology's loss was music's also."

I once got a few emails after reviewing local star Brooke Frasier with "Boredom can't kill you, but you'll wish it could."

A memorable Souljah Boy review (there's a few of those) contained "If you gave me a choice between listening to this album or listening to you break wind, I would eagerly push my ear up against your anus and urge you to push."

 

There was quite a pile-on on Lana Del Ray the other day too, with Pitchfork calling the album "the musical equivalent of a faked orgasm" and New York Times really finishing her off with "People don't know what to do with this unformed thing they've been told they need to care about; crushing it is easy, almost humane."

 

There's lots more of course (Lulu by Metallica could make its own pocket book) but I might dig them up later.

Any more?

 

Don't take it too seriously. I don't remember writing it. It sounds like I used to sound about a year or so ago, but It is a blur. My album reviews are typically much less focused.

I was listening to a great amount of Bill Hicks (of my own volition) and Spongebob (not of my own volition) and heavy metal (both of and not of my own volition). In normal situations I'd give it a 1/5, but I figured that wasn't necessary. 

 

That was pretty funny, well worthy of a prog reviewer, I think.  You've gotta let loose sometime.

Oh, I don't give a damn about reviewing here. I've written nearly 2,000 album reviews (from Bob Dylan to Overkill) and stored them on my portable hard drive. I write reviews as a sort of diary-with-a-purpose. I write whatever pops up inside my skull - usually revolving around music. 

From the desk of Robert Christgau - that good old defender of all things proggy:

 

 

Tales from Topographic Oceans
Nice "passages" here, as they say, but what flatulent quasisymphonies--the whole is definitely less than the sum of its parts, and some of the parts are pretty negligible. I mean, howcum they didn't choose to echo Graeco-Roman, Hebrew, and African culture as well as the lost Indian, Chinese, Central American, and Atlantean ones? Typical hyperromantic exoticism is one answer, and everybody would know they're full of sh*t is the other. C

 

Going for the One
The title track may be their best ever, challenging a formula that even apologists are apologizing for by now with cutting hard rock guitar and lyrics in which Jon Anderson casts aspersions upon his own "cosmic mind." But even there you wish you could erase Rick Wakeman, who sticks strictly to organ pomp and ident noodles throughout, and elsewhere Steve Howe has almost as little to say. C

 

Nursery Cryme
God's wounds! It's a "rock" version of the myth of Hermaphroditus! In quotes cos the organist and the (mime-influenced) vocalist have the drummer a little confused! Or maybe it's just the invocation to Old King Cole! C-

Foxtrot
This band's defenders--fans of manual dexterity, aggregate IQ, "stagecraft," etc.--claim this as an improvement. And indeed, Tony Banks's organ crescendos are less totalistic, Steve Hackett's guitar is audible, and Peter Gabriel's lyrics take on medievalism, real-estate speculators, and the history of the world. This latter is the apparent subject of the 22:57-minute "Supper's Ready," which also suggests that Gabriel has a sense of humor and knows something about rock and roll. Don't expect me to get more specific, though--I never even cared what "Gates of Eden" "really meant." C

 

And Then There Were Three....
The departure of Peter Gabriel having long since left them a quartet, what might this title indicate? Ask ex-fan Jon Pareles: "Without lead guitarist Steve Hackett, the band loses its last remaining focal point; the rest is double-tracking. Hence a sound as mushy as the dread Moody Blues, with fewer excuses." D+

 

The most obnoxious band currently making a killing on the zonked teen circuit. Not to be confused with Mahogany Rush, who at least spare us the reactionary gentility. More like Angel. Or Kansas. Or a power-trio Uriah Heep, with vocals revved up an octave. Or two. D

 

In the Court of the Crimson King
The plus is because Peter Townshend likes it. This can also be said of The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. Beware the forthcoming hype--this is ersatz sh*t. D+

Pictures from an Exhibition
This cover version of Moussorgsky's mouldy oldie does have a big new beat, but you can't dance to it, and the instrumentation seems a bit spare. Anyway, the truth is that I don't even listen to the original much.  D+

 

Trilogy
The pomposities of Tarkus and the monstrosities of the Moussorgsky homage clinch it--these guys are as stupid as their most pretentious fans. Really, anybody who buys a record that divides a . . . composition called "The Endless Enigma" into two discrete parts deserves it. C-

 

Brain Salad Surgery
Is this supposed to be a rebound because Pete Sinfield wrote the lyrics? Because Certified Classical Composer Alberto Ginastera--who gets royalties, after all--attests to their sensitivity on the jacket? Because the sound is so crystalline you can hear the gism as it drips off the microphone? C-

 

Nice
The electric organ is an instrument of such vast and vague potential that its constant misuse is almost inevitable. One offender is Keith Emerson of the Nice, who has so much technical virtuosity he can quote Beethoven or somebody in the middle of a long Dave Brubeck cop. The only better indication of his level of taste is the whip he used to brandish as part of his Act. I don't know whether he still does this, because it is my practice to walk out after he starts his set with that horrible rondo. Lots of folks are impressed with Keith Emerson--Don Heckman reviewed this very record warmly in the Times--so I would like to designate the Nice Most Overrated Group This Side of the Moody Blues. Ugh. D+

 

Thick as a Brick
Ian Anderson is the type of guy who'll tell you on one album that a whole side is one theme and then tell you on the next that the whole album is one song. The usual sh*t--rock (getting heavier), folk (getting feyer), classical (getting schlockier), flute (getting better because it has no choice), words. C-

 

If I Could Only Remember My Name
This disgraceful performance inspires the first Consumer Guide Competition. The test: Rename David Crosby (he won't know the difference). The prize: One Byrds LP of your choice (he ought to know the difference). The catch: You have to beat my entries. Which are: Rocky Muzak, Roger Crosby, Vaughan Monroe. D-

On the Threshold of a Dream
Rod McKuen out of Ray Conniff with assists by Hugo Montenegro and Bob Crewe. Ugh. D-

 

Asia
The art-rock Foreigner is a find--rare that a big new group is bad enough to sink your teeth into any more. John Wetton and Steve Howe added excitement to contexts as pretentious as King Crimson and Yes, but this is just pompous--schlock in the grand manner, with synthesizers John Williams would love. And after listening to two lyrics about why they like their girlfriends, three about "surviving," and four about why they don't like their girlfriends, I'm ready for brain salad surgery. Inspirational Verse: "So many lines/You've heard them all/A lie is every one/From men who never understand your personality." C-

 

 

 

 

 

Dave Grohl on Nickelback: "I've heard that if you play a Nickelback song backwards, you hear messages from the devil. But worse, much much worse, if you play a Nickelback song forwards, you hear Nickelback."

Yeah, and Tom Waits really digs Scarlet Johansen - doesn't mean I gotta give a damn.

Besides, AiC's career is as dead and staley as a piece of junkbread on some old forgotten city layne. 

 

PAAE must be the easiest record to trash if you really want to. I hated it completely when I first bought it and even today I'm still not keen on the original album.

 

I stopped reading any 'professional' reviews of ELP albums about 35 years ago. As a fan they will just do your head in.Occasionally someone here writes a decent caustic review of an ELP album. Tony R's review of Works Volume One is one to check out

 

http://www.progarchives.com/Review.asp?id=38597" rel="nofollow - http://www.progarchives.com/Review.asp?id=38597

 

You Never Know Who Your Friends Are
Al Kooper is the only name performer in rock who can be counted on to release sh*tty records time after time. This is another one. D

And I LOVE that album....anything from Kooper's '67-'77 is top rate.

This was the first one that came to mind for me as well.  For some reason I thought it was Dave Marsh in Rolling Stone, but Wikipedia says otherwise:

"J.D. Considine's infamous review of the album (in Musician magazine[4]) read simply, "SHT".[5] (Considine later said it was the most famous thing he'd ever written in his three decades as a critic, while Hackett claimed the review actually helped sales of the album.)"

It's funny because IMHO Foo Fighters sound a tad similar to Nickelback. 

They're not worlds apart. 

To me they don't sound similar. For one thing I like Foo Fighters but can't stand Nickelback

meh. Personally I don't have hate for neither, but can honestly not find one interesting aspect in neither.

 

 

 

Only just seen this thread.

Actually, he didn't lose his PR status over that review, but if that's what he believes then I'm not going to burst his bubble.

Luna wrote: Shi* Sandwich?

A three-track EP was once reviewed in Kerrang!! as - "like a sh_t sandwich, but with the sh_t on the outside."