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Jim Garten 
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru
Joined: February 02 2004
Location: South England
Status: Offline
Points: 14693
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 Posted: March 02 2004 at 07:52 |
 Peter Rideout wrote:
 A Caesar is sort of like a Bloody Mary, only with vodka and Motts Clamato (made with tomato and clam juice. Yes, I know, Jim & Dude; it has occurred to me. Don't even bother...) Worcestershire, Tobasco, pepper, salt, a rimmed glass (again, don't bother), lots of ice, and a celery stick. Tasty, but not for panty-waists such as yourselves. I'll get the next "shout" Jim. A warm flat twiggy ale for you, and a Shirley Temple for the Dude?
I await your indignant, baby-sham-breathed replies! |
Given your advancing years, I wouldn't dream of an indignant reply - I shall just put your lack of tase buds down to a senile tongue. Babycham breath????? That is rich coming from a man who's idea of a tasty refreshing drink includes extract of crustacean. You and I both know that the most glorious drink in the world is warm, flat and slides smoothly down your throat  and you don't need to stick any vegetation into it to make it vaguely interesting (celery! Hah!)
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 Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
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Peter
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: January 31 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 9669
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Posted: March 02 2004 at 13:05 |
 Jim, get it straight: a clam's not a crustacean, it's a mollusk and a bivalve.  (Crustaceans include crabs, lobsters, shrimp, etc., the "bugs" of the sea!)
Secondly, the celery in the Caesar is so that you can skip lunch!
(I once heard that chewing and digesting celery -- a largely useless food -- consumes more calories than it contributes. Thus, locked in the celery warehouse, you may not die of thirst, but you'll starve....
Hmmmm.... "warm, flat, and slides smoothly down your throat?" Sounds like Michael Jackson's (the alien, crotch-grabbing, falsettoed freakish pop idol, not the beer expert) favourite drink! 
I assume you mean Guinness, Kilkenny, Caffrey's, Beamish et al? I'll still take mine chilled, thanks. Your shout.
Edited by Peter Rideout
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"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
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dude
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 30 2004
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 1338
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Posted: March 02 2004 at 18:10 |
GENTLEMEN PLEASE!!! all this talk of Celery and Micheal Jackson...I mean next it will be who smokes the biggest cigar!!!(YES i know that "sometimes a cigar is just a cigar"!!!..................and sometimes it aint)  ...WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT!!!.....of COURSE a cigar is just a cigar ....imean its long and full of tobacco..what idiot psychiatrist could possibly see it as anything other than what it is!!!!! NOW LET US HAVE NO MORE TALK OF SUBMARINES......I MEAN CIGARS..I MEAN CELERY..CELERY(oh boy i need a Virgin Mary...NO!!i mean a Bloody Mary!!..yes thats it.. a Brittany Temple...NO...NO..i mean.....Oh hell im OUTTA HERE!!
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Peter
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: January 31 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 9669
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Posted: March 02 2004 at 20:15 |
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"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
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Jim Garten
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru
Joined: February 02 2004
Location: South England
Status: Offline
Points: 14693
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Posted: March 03 2004 at 03:03 |
Peter Rideout wrote:
Jim, get it straight: a clam's not a crustacean, it's a mollusk and a bivalve.. |
Smartarse! It took me ages to work out how to spell crustacean  - had I known it was a mollusc (hah! you spelt that wrong buddy!!! IN YOUR FACE  !!!! hah hah hah hah hah hah), I could have used the extra time to do something useful - like drinking some Wadworths 6X, or sending some dried frog pills to Dude, who is so obviously in need of medication 
Edited by Jim Garten
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
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Peter
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: January 31 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 9669
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Posted: March 03 2004 at 08:45 |
Jim (you heartless villain): Oh no! The RIDEOUT 2000 Writing Robot has made a mistake! "Error! Error! System malfunction! System malfunction! Warning: Auto-destruct will activate in 3 - 2 - 1 (click)... KER-BLAMMO!
(A horrified Mrs Rideout runs into the smoldering, shattered computer room): "Aargh! My beloved and expensive robotic husband is spread all around the room! I'll never find a mate with an "off" switch again! (And he did the housework!) What's this on the computer?"
 "Jim," eh? Curse your nit-picking bones, you thoughtless beast! Jim Garten, wherever you are I will hunt you down and have my revenge! Aieeee!" (she faints)
(Alerted by their grief-stricken mother's hysterical scream, the adorable Rideout progeny run to her side): "Mommy! Mommy! Please wake up, Mommy! What was that loud bang? Where's our wonderful daddy? Oh my goodness! These smoking slippers must mean that..... Oh no! Daddeeeeee! Mommeeee! Wahhhh!"  (The delightful moppets seem destined for a life of expensive therapy!)
(The RIDEOUT 2001 glides into the room): "At last (click, bleep), my chance has come! Mr. Garten (click, whir) I think we can work together."
Could this be the start of a mutually-beneficial relationship? Will the wretchedly-reduced Rideouts ever recover from the rapacious blow? Has Jim learned his lesson at long-last? Will he fearfully flee his fog-shrouded island home? Stay tuned!
Edited by Peter Rideout
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"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
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Joren
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: February 07 2004
Location: Netherlands
Status: Offline
Points: 6667
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Posted: March 03 2004 at 09:17 |
*skips channel* 
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dude
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 30 2004
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 1338
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Posted: March 03 2004 at 19:57 |
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JIM: DONT ENCOURAGE HIM!!!I WILL NOW HAVE TO SEND OUT MY DUDE MARK IV AUSTRALIAN BUILT ROBOT HUNTER KILLER I HAVE SET IT FOR "CANADIAN IMPOSTER NEWFOUNDLAND(did they lose the old foundland?) the only problem is being Australian built ITS DRINKING ALL THE BEER AND I CANT STOP IT !!!!!!!!!HEEEEEEEEEELP
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Stormcrow
Forum Senior Member
Joined: February 05 2004
Location: United States
Status: Offline
Points: 400
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Posted: March 04 2004 at 00:45 |
You gentlemen are obviously suffering from a lack of consumption of 12 year old single malt Kentucky corn liquor.
Don't report back until you've given yourselves appropriate medicinal dosages.
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Peter
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: January 31 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 9669
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Posted: March 04 2004 at 00:47 |
Joren wrote:
I've heard of Bloody Mary, but I've never tasted it... It is said that it takes away your hangover
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Joren, the best (and only) cure I know of for a hangover is to never stop drinking! 
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"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
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Peter
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: January 31 2004
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 9669
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Posted: March 04 2004 at 00:59 |
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"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!'
He chortled in his joy.
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Joren
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: February 07 2004
Location: Netherlands
Status: Offline
Points: 6667
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Posted: March 04 2004 at 03:15 |
Peter Rideout wrote:
Joren wrote:
I've heard of Bloody Mary, but I've never tasted it... It is said that it takes away your hangover
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Joren, the best (and only) cure I know of for a hangover is to never stop drinking!
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The problem is, at some point you won't be able to drink any more
In Holland, there is a pub where they serve a special anti-hangover breakfast. It contains 2 eggs and bacon, a glass of beer and two asperines
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Jim Garten
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru
Joined: February 02 2004
Location: South England
Status: Offline
Points: 14693
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Posted: March 04 2004 at 03:44 |
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Hertfordshire, England..... As the sun crawls above the horizon, barely able to pierce the looming smog, our hero emerges from a deep sleep, and regards the day ahead with trepidation........
"Bugger, the cat's done it in my slippers again!!"
Knowing the Rideout 2001 is coming, armed to the teeth with that most fearsome of weapons, a Canadian accent, and fully fuelled with a mollusc flavoured libation, Jim Garten prepares grimly for the final confrontation......
"Tea, dear??"
Pausing only to step over the hungover remains of the DUDE MARK IV, and to reflect on why it began to malfunction after only half a pint of weak British beer, JG descends the stairs, pauses in reflection for a moment, considers the beauty and sanctity of life.... then kicks the cat.
He sits in his favorite armchair, listening to 'Hatfield & The North's "Rotters Club", drinking his first cup of Earl Grey tea, and has the first of many cigarettes.
It could be a long wait.....
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
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dude
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 30 2004
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 1338
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Posted: March 04 2004 at 05:53 |
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On a nearby rooftop a figure squats in the morning sun, long shadow drawing behind him. he smiles, an evil grimace really, as he survays the town below,waking with dawns bright promise. "Soon" he mutters "Soon the battle will begin,and two great adversaries will be locked in the age old struggle for dominence and supremacy,but there can be only one,my plan has worked to a tee and only i will be left,the Canadian and the Englishmen will be no more.Laughing he turns toward a nearby doorway, cape swirling in the sighing breeze and dissappears into the shadows...and trips down the stairs! "Damn" he spits in anger,"i should get that cape shortened"
Edited by dude
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Jim Garten
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru
Joined: February 02 2004
Location: South England
Status: Offline
Points: 14693
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Posted: March 04 2004 at 06:19 |
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On his 3rd Earl Grey, and 4th cigarette, Jim ponders on the great mysteries of life, such as - why can Australians not spell 'survey', 'dominance', or 'disappears'.
At the sound of a distant clatter, a smile plays across his lips - he knew it was worth greasing all nearby staircases. Grinding out his cigarette, he lifts the phone and dials a familiar number - "we have an intruder - release the badgers"
Across town, the local pizza delivery service replaces the receiver......
"badgers?"
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
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dude
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 30 2004
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 1338
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Posted: March 04 2004 at 06:38 |
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Brushing himself down he makes for the nearest exit as an odd thought crosses his mind "HEY" he thinks "its survey you dolt" still no matter, the Englishmen must be on his third,perhaps fourth poisoned cigarette the predictable Canadian left for him.as he steps out onto the busy street he wonders at the thought that millions may die in the battle to come,the thought gives him only a vague feeling of unease,a sense that the deaths though regrettable are necessary to his plans..he walks striding with confidence, pausing only occassionally to shake off the odd badger.
Edited by dude
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Jim Garten
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru
Joined: February 02 2004
Location: South England
Status: Offline
Points: 14693
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Posted: March 04 2004 at 08:10 |
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Puzzled, Jim turns from the window....
"what an odd badger....., hang on...this cigarette tastes funny, there's something of the, of the, No, No NNNOOOOO..... MOLLUSC!!"
The room swirled around him, strange colours flitted in and out of his periphery vision, the floor came up to meet him - shook hands, & went away again.
Just in time, he remembered the antidote to Canadian Bivalve Poison; groaning, he reached for the one substance which could save his life and sanity....... a voice came to him from faraway.....
"darling, why are you eating the cat litter??"
Edited by Jim Garten
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
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dude
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 30 2004
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 1338
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Posted: March 04 2004 at 08:41 |
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Stopping suddenly a thought occurs to him "DAMN" he says out loud "what if he has cat litter" a grim smile forms on his face "a worthy adversary if so.....a worthy adversary indeed!" a women nearby looks at him with an exspression he has seen all his life.. he knows it well...."Why cant this man spell SURVEY ". He strides on, grimly determined to improve his grammer....and shake of the very odd badgers!!!
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Jim Garten
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin & Razor Guru
Joined: February 02 2004
Location: South England
Status: Offline
Points: 14693
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Posted: March 04 2004 at 11:36 |
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Weakened by the remains of the toxins in his system, Jim takes to his bed with only the burning fire of anticipated revenge keeping him alive.
"this is not just the work of that Canadian scoundrel" he thought "there are darker forces at work here....."
He wondered, could the DUDE MARK IV be so stupid as to think he could collude with Rideout 2001 without Jim knowing..........?????
Jim's wife Vicky bought in a cup of Earl Grey, a biscuit and his cigarettes.... moments later, surrounded by crumbs, cigarette ash and a drying tea stain, Jim is asleep, dreaming dark dreams of vengeance.
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Jon Lord 1941 - 2012
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dude
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 30 2004
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 1338
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Posted: March 04 2004 at 20:12 |
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WILL JIM RECOVER FROM HIS MOLLUSC POISONING!!WILL DUDES PLAN SUCCEED!!,WILL MAX KICK US ALL OF THE SITE FOR BEING SELF INDULGENT!! DO THE REST OF YOU EVEN CARE.STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO WHERE YOU WILL HEAR PETER RIDEOUT SAY "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAVE YOU TWO BEEN DOING IN MY ABSESNSE!!?,WHERE JIM WILL REVEAL A STARTLING SECRET FETISH INVOLVING FISH AND WHERE DUDE WILL CONTINUE TO MANGLE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!!!!!
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Storm: I been known to take the odd shot of bourbon as a warm-up for an evening's ale, but associate many dim, but nevertheless BAD, memories with the prolonged consumption if liquor. Ow!
(As opposed to booze, beer lets me maintain a semblance of control.)