An Insider's Reality Check

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   You're a new band looking to "tour", i.e. play live ... Read this to find out what to & what not to do or expect.
(PA site admin, as far as I know this is not copyrighted)
Taken from the Lefsetz  letter Mailbag, emailed June 16/2008. Bob's URL is http://lefsetz.com/wordpress/.
"
"From a 17 year vet:

How to not get your band booked!

I've had 
many many jobs in my life. From removing asbestos to strip club DJ to pizza 
delivery to unloading aircraft. But the one thing I've done and never stopped 
doing was booking concerts. When I say "job", that would infer that I get paid 
to do that "job". Booking concerts very infrequently pays but I'm addicted to 
music and have been ever since my big brother gave me my first record, Destroyer 
by Kiss. I learned a long time ago that if I don't book the bands I like...they 
ain't coming. Over one thousand concerts and 17 years later of bringing bands to 
Memphis, I'd say I know EXACTLY how to get a band booked into any venue in the 
world. I didn't say I could get people to show up...I just said I could get it 
booked.

I've been on all sides of the live concert equation. I've been 
the promoter. I've been in the local band. I've been in the touring band. I've 
been the patron. I've been the sound guy. I've been the bartender. I've been the 
door guy. I've been the janitor. I've even been the groupie. So there isn't an 
angle I haven't seen.

Now...

You've got a band. You've got 30-60 
minutes of music to play live and you want to hit the stage. Any stage. Hell, a 
floor. As long as it's a public place and you can get away with charging people 
to hear live music. Getting a show in your hometown isn't all that difficult. 
Most venues know that as long as you're local and especially if it's your first 
show, all your band members girlfriends, friends, and family will probably show 
up for your first show. I've booked plenty of kids bands on their first show and 
they usually draw well with decent bar sales. If you're worth a sh*t, they'll 
continue to come out. If not, those friends and family will drop like flies to 
future performances.

Now about playing shows out of 
town....

Allow me to put things in the venue's point of view. When 
you're trying to book your band out of town, ask yourself this very very very 
very very very(x100) important question:

HOW MUCH MONEY WILL THE VENUE 
MAKE IF WE PLAY THERE??????

Musicians hate that money actually comes 
into the equation. I've tried to explain this to some. In major markets, there 
are venues that make unproven bands buy 'x' amount of tickets to get a show. The 
band in turn then sells the tickets to their friends, family, whoever. The 
Milwaukee Metal Fest survived for years doing this. The response is: "Pay to 
play f**kin sucks dude..it's f**kin bullsh*t." What no one seems to realize that 
live music is always a pay to play proposition. It's just that the venue that 
has to pay. A mid size music only venue in Memphis usually has a nut of about 
$3K to $5K to cover monthly. I will not list the expenses here but the fact that 
it's a long list should prove my point. Almost all of the venues in Memphis that 
I know of don't take anything out of the door for the venue itself except to pay 
the door guy and sound guy and maybe security if necessary. So that leaves the 
bar to cover that monthly nut. Risky business eh?

Truth be told...if 
your band isn't on a record label, the best way you're going to get a gig out of 
town is to trade shows with some band in whatever city you're looking to play. 
MySpace is perfect for this. However, make sure that the out of town band you're 
trying to contact sets up said show for you. Odds are that band already knows 
people at the venue and have already played there a few times.

Here's 
some perspective. The following bands have drawn right at or less than 100 
people in Memphis:

Queens Of The Stone Age (This was after their 2nd 
major label release with massive radio airplay complete with commercial spots we 
bought. The station gave away 20 tickets....3 of the 20 showed 
up.)

Morbid Angel

Jeff Buckley

Deicide

Southern 
Culture On The Skids

There are a ton more, but you get the idea. Why do 
you think, if these bands can't even break 100 people, you can make it worth the 
venues time to book you?

Let's look at a standard email (complete with 
grammatical errors) that venues get and I'll explain what's wrong with this 
email below:

Dear Hi Tone Cafe

I have some new talent that is 
looking to break into your area. They have experience,image and a great 
alternative rock sound and are going places(otherwise I wouldn't have pick them 
up). They sell sold out shows in their own area of South Carolina and are 
working on a getting a Major record deal within these next year. Hope to hear 
from you soon.

Enclosed is a little bio with tour dates and distribution 
info of there new CD coming out July 25th, 2006 plus afull bio and little info 
on their new album.

Souls Harbor is 5 piece Rock / Metal / Alternative 
that hails from BEAUFORT, South Carolina ,Late last year the band put out their 
own EP entitled "Burning Souls", produced by Eric Bass. The EP quickly sparked 
the attention from several southeastern radio stations including 98X 
(Charleston, SC) and Rock 106.1 (Savannah, GA) . The EP spawned off two singles 
and the group moved more than 2,500 units within 90 days.

Signed to 
Crash Music in January of this year, the band reunited with producer Eric Bass 
for the recording of their first full length album entitled "Writings On The 
Wall" hits stores world wide July 25. Look out for a full US tour,music video as 
well as more commercial airplay this summer.we already have 1000
pre-orders 
fye,tower record,best buy,monster,etc world wide.

Played with or 
Supported:
SLAYER, KILLSWITCH ENGAGE, CHEVELLE, CROSSFADE, NON-POINT, FILTER, 
SEVENDUST, COLD, STRATA, AUIOVENT, EARSHOT, MASTODON, MUSHROOMHEAD, FIVE SPEED, 
FLAW, FIVE BOLT MAIN, ALSTON, ALLELE, TRIGGER POINT, DRYCELL, REVELATION 
THEORY.. AND MANY MORE REGIONAL AND NATIONAL ACTS.

Here's a list of 
things that a venue doesn't give a sh*t about:

--Who you've opened or 
played on a bill with. Unless you played in the town you're trying to get a gig 
with whoever's name your dropping, it means ZILCH! And even if you did, it means 
little. My band opened for Faith No More, Corrosion Of Conformity, GG Allin and 
a slew of others. Would anyone go see us because of it? No.

--Who is 
doing your press or publicity. No commercial radio station is going to give away 
free airtime and there is no college radio here. There are only 2 papers of note 
here. The Commercial Appeal and The Memphis Flyer.

--Who produced your 
record. That's like saying "Emeril Lagasse fixed my dinner." They didn't do it 
for free. The biggest producers in the world will produce your record if you pay 
them.

--How well you do in your hometown. Although this is completely 
meaningless in whatever town your trying to play, it does matter. For if you ask 
a band in whatever town you're trying to play that you're huge at home and 
you'll be glad to trade shows with them, they'll be a lot more interested in 
helping you get a gig in said town.

--Press clippings. You wouldn't send 
out negative reviews would you? Of course not. No talent buyer looks at press 
clippings because they all know what they're going to say. "Oh this band is 
wonderful. Coldplay watch out!" or whatever. I'll say this though. If a band 
ever did send me multiple press clippings that stated things like.."This is the 
worst band to walk the planet" and "I'd rather have a barium enema than listen 
to this band" I would at least listen to their stuff and consider them. Just 
because that'd be an approach I've never experienced.

--How good you 
are. Of course you think you're good. Your music is probably your life. Guess 
what. It's just another f**king band setting up and making racket to the club 
staff. Hard to believe isn't it?

To a lesser extent..

--What you 
sound like. The only reason the venue cares what you sound like is because they 
don't want to mismatch music genres or book the wrong type of music altogether. 
Other than that, they don't give a f**k.

Nothing listed above answers 
the most important questions a talent buyer has:

HOW MUCH MONEY WILL THE 
VENUE MAKE IF YOU PLAY HERE? See. Here it is again. This is the number one 
priority when it comes to booking shows. Always always ask yourself that 
question when approaching a talent buyer regarding a show. If this pisses you 
off, then that means you proabably can't draw.

WHAT DO I GET OUT OF THIS 
IF I DO BOOK YOUR BAND? While money is far and away the number one priority, it 
is not the only way to skin a cat. If booking your band will get the talent 
buyer laid, free drugs, or a FAVOR in some shape form or fashion, you stand a 
much better chance.

That's pretty much it. Ask yourself those 2 
questions before contacting a talent buyer.

Recently I took a chance on 
a band that I didn't know from Adam. All I knew was that they were from 3 hours 
away and they had a schtick. I knew they had no draw but they were asking for an 
opening slot on a bill that would've guaranteed that they play in front of over 
100 people. This band could play here every month for a year and not be able to 
draw 100 people if ever in their lives.

I liked their schtick and told 
them I'd put them on the bill but there was no money available to pay them but 
they'd have the chance to sell merch to a crowded house. I could've left the 
bill alone and not put them on and still would've had the same crowd. They 
agreed to play for free. Once they got there, they were aloof and complained 
about having to play for free. Even though I'd told them the deal way in 
advance, it didn't matter. I will never book them again nor will I book a band 
sight unseen unless someone who's opinion I respect recommends them.

I 
would now like to give EVEN more perspective. There's a club in St. Louis called 
The Creepy Crawl. I book a lot of the same bands they do. They have on their 
website a list of Top 39 Annoying Things That Bands Do. 23 of these things have 
happened to me on several occasions. I'm going to post this list A) because it's 
hilarious. B) so you can understand where the venue is coming from. Not all 
these things apply but most do:

1. Bands that feel compelled to bang on 
their drums and guitars in an annoying display of lack of talent before the 
doors open. Usually this occurs when we are trying to talk to someone on the 
phone or give instructions to employees. There is a place for this type of 
behavior, its called your basement.

Right on brothers! No one wants to 
hear you noodle around... NO ONE! Once you get your gear set up, make sure all 
your sh*t works then STOP!

2. Out of town bands that show up and say "We 
decided to bring another band with us, don't worry, they just need gas money and 
pizza."

This only happened to me once that I can remember (I've probably 
blocked it out) but the one I do remember resulted in a large brawl between 
myself and staff and the worthless band that showed.

3. Out of town 
bands that watch you order their pizzas with "the works" and after they arrive 
tell you "Oh, we're all vegetarians, can we get buy-outs instead?"

I 
make it REAL clear that I don't do buyouts unless you're The Rolling Stones or 
something.

4. Local bands with managers.

This happens 
occasionally but I don't sweat it. I just don't book them again.

5. 
Local bands that have a girlfriend as their manager (Can you say annoying pain 
in the ass?). This usually marks the beginning of the end for most bands at the 
Creepy.

This happens too but even less frequently than above. Again I 
just don't book them.

6. Bands that bring their own "personal" 
sound-tech. After seeing him try to operate the soundboard for 5 minutes the 
house soundman concludes that this guy has absolutely no clue how to operate a 
PA. Accordingly, the band sounds like total sh*t.

Most sound guys don't 
mind letting a touring sound tech on the board. It's less work for them and they 
could care less how the band sounds. They just don't want him to break the 
house's sh*t.

7. Bands that have more roadies than band 
members.

8. Bands that spell their names with a strange spelling twist 
e.g., junkeez, katz etc. After meeting the band, however, we are left with the 
impression that they didn't intentionally try and spell their name with a twist 
but rather they probably just don't know how to spell.

I don't book 
those bands. Period.

9. The out of town band that was lucky to get the 
gig, brought absolutely nobody, bitched all night long about their time slot, 
when told they had 1 song left in their set play 4 more anyway who when being 
paid out $50 in gas money asks "Is this the best you can do?"

See my 
above comments regarding the band from 3 hours away.

10. Bands that 
arrive and state that they talked to someone at the club and were told they get 
to play 3rd at 10:30 and can play for an hour. When asked the name of the person 
they talked to they suddenly forget their name but are sure they talked to 
"someone".

11. Bands who all arrive at the same time but no one is 
willing to play first. Subsequently the show doesn't start until 11:30 and 
everyone has 10 minute sets.

This is so unbelievably common in Memphis. 
Because people don't start showing up here until say 11 pm, no one wants to play 
first. This is because no one wants to see the openers. This could be 
you!

12. Top 3 signs that the band will bring no one to the show - 1) 2 
Weeks before the show they say "We're gonna pack your place!" - 2) 1 Week before 
the show they ask - "What's your capacity?" - 3) Upon arriving at the gig they 
ask "So how many people do YOU usually get on a Wednesday night?"

I've 
only gotten number 3. I inform them that the bands are the draw not the venue. 
The usual response is "oh...bummer."

13. Bands who draw is so bad that 
even their guests don't show up.

14. Bands who have no guests because 
they have no friends.

15. Bands who bring absolutely no one to their 
first gig and then call back relentlessly to ask for another show and can't 
understand why they haven't gotten asked back. That's fine, we don't have to eat 
this month and we really dig watching you guys rock out to our empty club. Bands 
who fit this category don't need to bother calling back because the booking guy 
will always be away when you call.

The above 3 are basically the 
same.

16. Bands who after drawing no one at the end of the night 
apologize by saying, "geez, after you booked us we booked ourselves to play at 
the Hi-Pointe last night and we told all our friends to go to that show, that's 
probably why no one came tonight. BTW, when do you think we can play here 
again?" (Note: see above for our response).

17. Bands who pester you to 
book their bands "side-project". Side-project is another name for self-indulgent 
crap so embarringsly bad they can't dignify it with a name and gives them a 
cover why none of their friends will come see them "perform". (Would you go see 
your friend masturbate if they asked you to come watch?). Note to bands: think 
of your side-project as a project never to get booked again.

18. Bands 
who show up wearing "All Access" laminates around their neck. (Note to these 
bands: We honor these laminates for the bathroom and parking lot areas only.) I 
wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up but you don't see me walking around 
wearing a spacesuit at the club. We're convinced these people are recovering air 
guitar addicts from the 80's.

19. Bands who right before their set ask 
to play without a PA so it won't be deducted from their pay. (This has actually 
happened before). Sure, we'll just ask the sound guy to go home for a 1/2 
hour.

20. Bands that want to play in front or the side of the 
stage.

Usually 19 and 20 coincide.

21. Bands that suck and then 
ask if you'll swap them out a shirt. You know, our shirts actually cost us money 
and I really doubt anyone at the club wants to wear your shirt. How about if we 
swap stickers and call it even?

22. Band members that ask in a nasally 
voice for a soda or water before the doors are open. Usually this occurs when 
your in the middle of doing something important like counting down the drawer or 
talking to a booking agent on the phone about a future show. You can f**king 
wait!!!

23. Parents of bands... this could be a whole top 39 list on its 
own... Parents who either a) insist on standing next to the owner all night and 
talking his ear off about how great their kids 14 year old band is (who BTW 
sound like they had never picked up an instrument in their lives before they 
started "playing" that night) b) insist on standing next to the the soundperson 
all night and making stupid suggestions on how to improve the sound of their 
kids band to the soundperson all throughout their set c) going to the bar while 
they wait for their kids band to play, consuming way too much, and then going to 
stand next to the owner and talk his ear off about how he used to jam in a band 
but now their kids band is going is going to hit mega-stardom any day now and... 
oh right, this is only supposed to be a paragraph.

24. Bands that leave 
gear behind. This happens at least several times each week and then we get the 
deluge of frantic phone calls in the following days about have you seen this or 
that piece of equipment and on the phone act liike we should know where their 
stuff is. Its amazing how something that is so important to them the next day 
gets so carelessly left behind the night of the show. We're the Creepy Crawl, 
not Bob's Nightclub and Repository of Leftover Band sh*t. Keep track of your 
sh*t and take it with you when you leave!

25. Out of town bands that 
show up at 1:30 in the afternoon while you're doing work at the club. They then 
want to hang out with you all day and ask endlessly annoying questions while you 
work.

Questions like: Do we get free beer? Do we get dinner? Do we get a 
discount on either? How many guests do we get? See why the club might get 
irritated?

26. Bands who when you tell them they have 1 more song left 
because they're running late into their set decide to play a 45 minute opus full 
of self-absorbed guitar solos which in the course of playing covers in its 
entirety side 2 of Pink Floyds' Dark Side of The Moon.

27. Bands that 
pester you constantly to open for a particular touring band because they swear 
they worship their musical footprints and are the heaven endorsed guiding light 
of their musical lives. On the day of the show and after you told them sorry but 
the show was already filled up they don't even bother to come to the show. 
However, someone at the show reports hearing they decided to catch the Story of 
The Year show at the Pageant instead.

This happens constantly. A great 
way not to get booked.

28. Bands that cancel playing on the day of the 
show because even though you've had them booked for 2 months it wasn't until 
yesterday that someone in the band decided maybe then was a good time to try and 
ask off work.

29. Bands that can't play longer than a 15 minute 
set.

Actually I'm all for 15 minute sets.

30. Bands that bitch 
and beg to play a longer 45-50 minute set. They do this knowing everyone else 
only gets a 1/2 hour slot. We finally relent and rework the whole show to 
accommodate them and they still wind up playing the same 
rush-through-it-because-we're-dipf**ks 23 minute set they play every other night 
they play. Apparently they live in a different time dimension than everyone else 
on the planet. They thank you profusely at the end of the set for letting them 
"headline" for their fans but we make sure they buy us and everyone around us 
shots at full price.

31. Bands that give big lectures on stage about how 
important it is to support "the scene" but at the end of their set want to get 
paid ASAP and don't want to wait until the other bands get done.

This is 
a constant around Memphis. I will not pay before the show is over.

32. 
Bands that keep asking to let us let them "set up" a show. These requests 
usually come from bands that can't even show up on time for their own gig and no 
matter how many times you told them what time they go on their is always one 
member of the band who doesn't get the message and totally f**ks up the band 
schedule for the whole night. However, they have somehow convinced themselves 
that if we let them book a whole night this will somehow be the secret to their 
success. 99.9999% of the time when we actually allow a band to actually do this 
it turns into a giant clusterf**k where half the bands they claim will be 
playing don't show up and the other half show up bitching about how they are 
supposed to be headlining.

33. Bands that are booked for a show but 
email every 12 hours to tell you they have changed their name and to please 
update your advertising. Call yourself Bobby & the Blowjobs for all we care, 
pick a name and STICK WITH IT!

34. Pathetic reasons why bands cancel. 
Bands that cancel 10 DAYS ahead of time because they have to go to a funeral! We 
feel so sad for these bands. Geez, I didn't know your grandpa was being stored 
on ice for 10 f**kING DAYS! Who is he, Walt Disney??? If your going to friggin 
lie, try and come up with something half-way believable please.

35. 
Shows where the 4 local bands collectively can't outdraw the one out of town 
band you threw on the bill for gas money but through their own initiative and 
hustle actually manage to outdraw the 4 local bands (this BS actually happens!) 
We feel sorry and embarrassed for the out of town band who usually when getting 
paid out their gas money ask us quietly "whats up with the locals, who don't 
they have anybody come see them?" and we tell them as loudly as we can "BECAUSE 
THEY ARE PATHETIC & RETARDED LOSERS". Invariably (and we do mean invariably) 
their has to be the one local band who shoves the out of town band on the way to 
the door guy, lives 20 minutes away and brought a negative number of people, 
(they sucked so bad they ran off our happy hour crowd early) ask how much did 
they make and we tell them zero "BECAUSE THE BAND FROM 1/2 A CONTINENT AWAY 
OUTDREW YOUR PATHETIC AND RETARDED ASS". Actually we don't say that because 
we're so pathetically nice, we usually say " you guys rocked, let us know when 
you want to play again!".

36 - 38: Bands that don't correctly understand 
the definition of these terms -

Load-In Time
CORRECT UNDERSTANDING: 
If a band has a load-in time of say 6:30 from that time they may attempt to 
enter the premises and inquire about loading in of their gear. If they by chance 
happen to arrive early they can occupy themselves with other activities to fill 
in the time, such as: visit the library, worship at a local church or synagogue 
or beating up the homeless guy living in the dumpster.

INCORRECT 
UNDERSTANDING: If a band has a load-in time of say 6:30 they arrive at 1:45 in 
the afternoon and knock incessantly on the back door. Usually they knock while 
the owner is in the basement knee-deep in standing sh*t working with a plumber 
to fix a leaking drain pipe. After trudging all the way upstairs to find 5 snot 
nosed kids asking if they can load-in now (and hang out all day!) they are 
politely told to f**k off and come back at 6:30.

Promoter
CORRECT 
UNDERSTANDING: This is a person who actively works to promote a show. They 
promote by distributing flyers, plugging the show wherever they can and try to 
get as many people as possible to come to the show. If they have an out of town 
band booked on the show they take financial responsibility to ensure they get 
paid and are taken care of in whatever way they need. They also take charge in 
organizing the show and making sure all the bands know when they are scheduled 
to play and how the money works for getting paid.

INCORRECT 
UNDERSTANDING: This is a person who after asking repeatedly to put on a show 
does the following 1) fails to promote show in any way 2) fails to communicate 
any show details like lineup or order of the bands to the club (or the bands 
themselves) 3) makes themselves very scarce at the show , assuming they show up 
(they sometimes make a pathetic phone call just before doors to say they've just 
contracted a rare disease called pussyitis and to please take care of the out of 
town band). If they do show up and when questioned about things like band order, 
who's taking care of the bands etc. only respond with a blank stare.

Gas 
Money:
CORRECT UNDERSTANDING: Gas Money is a term used to designate an amount 
of money to get a touring band to their next show. It sometimes includes a 
little more than that so they buy themselves some fast-food on their way or if 
they are lucky enough to cover a room at a Motel 6. Generally gas money would be 
considered anything from $30 to $75 and depends on how well the show 
goes.

INCORRECT UNDERSTANDING: $200 is not gas money. $200 is we're 
partying all night on the East Side and getting privates at Roxy's for everyone 
in the band.

Touring Band:
CORRECT UNDERSTANDING: This is a band that 
is engaged on a "tour". They come to the Creepy Crawl while on their tour and 
often come from far away places such as the far corners of the country, Canada, 
Europe or Asia. They are on the road for extended periods of time, sometimes for 
several months at a time, in a van or bus and experience many new places along 
their journey. These bands are always entitled to at least gas money or 
more.

INCORRECT UNDERSTANDING: Driving up from Festus does not make you 
a touring band.

A "Following":
CORRECT UNDERSTANDING: A "following" 
is a collection of fans that attend the performances of a particular band. This 
is what bands try to develop to get ahead in the business and grow over time and 
is a measure of their general popularity. The larger a bands following generally 
means they will be booked more often and on better nights at the Creepy 
Crawl

INCORRECT UNDERSTANDING: A "following" does not mean all the 
people that attended The Queens of The Stone Age show you opened for to cover 
the last minute cancellation of a contractual local opener counts as your bands 
following (perhaps the rush to the bar by the entire club and club staff when 
you started playing was an indicator). And, yes, this means the Jager girls at 
the club that night probably didn't come to see you and probably won't be 
following you to your next show.

Now you get the idea of how cynical and 
jaded booking concerts can make you.

I used to be in a band called The 
Diarrhea Of Anne Frank. We were total noise. If you put 2 gorillas in a room 
with some instruments with heavy effects on them and gave them a really good 
drummer, that would be us. We didn't rehearse, we had no songs, we had no 
structure. We did have a television that showed unpleasant things like German 
sh*t eating films, Charlie Brown cartoons, graphic scenes of violence, and parts 
of the show 'Friends'. The tv usually was smashed before the end of the set. We 
didn't have a record out or t-shirts or anything. It was just a release for us. 
We had no aspirations.

Yet we managed to play Chicago, Detroit, and the 
Knitting Factory in New York City.

If I would've worked harder, we 
could've played even more shows, but it was really a glorified vacation. If my 
crappy band can play the Knitting Factory, you can too.

Here's how to do 
it:

--Develop a draw in your hometown. That means you should play once 
every month to 6 weeks. Beg your friends to show up. MySpace the sh*t out of 
your show. If the venue can count on you bringing 20-40 people a show, you'd be 
amazed at how often people will ask you to play. Remember, once every month to 6 
weeks. Don't just play because someone asks you. The best drawing bands in town 
maybe play at home 2 or 3 times a year.

--If you haven't left your 
hometown and you don't have a record, your only hope is to trade shows. Why 
develop a draw at home? So you can trade shows with bands out of town. That's 
another thing. Make sure the band you're trading shows with has a draw in their 
hometown. Check that city's music message boards. Use the sh*t out of the 
internet. It's your only hope.

--Sling that promoter oil! Actually save 
up your own money and book big acts (or as big as you can afford) in the clubs 
you wanna play. Then stick yourself on the bill. It's a perfect way to find out 
if you're worth your salt. That's how my teenage band got to open for all those 
bands we played in front of. I saved my money, booked who I liked into a club 
and threw my band on as support. The club loved me for not bugging the sh*t 
outta them for a gig but instead asking for a date and ACTUALLY BRINGING 
SOMETHING TO THE TABLE!!! You'd be surprised at how some musicians think that 
they shouldn't be accountable. That all they should have to do is show up and 
play and expect money, food and beer although they may or may not have promoted 
in any way or brought anyone to the show.

I'm sure there'll be some who 
read this and get their feelings hurt. 17 years can make you callous.  