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Finnforest 
Special Collaborator
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Joined: February 03 2007
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Points: 16913
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 Topic: Live together or marry first?
Posted: September 30 2010 at 20:38 |
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A few things.
Let's include gays/lesbians in this by stating hypothetically that the poll assumes gay marriage is legal. I realize it is not everywhere, but let's pose the same question for gays and straights by assuming it is.
I'm curious about this. If you vote cohabitation is good, would you feel the same way if your 19 year old daughter came to you and announced her intentions to move in with boyfriend?
If you vote no way, is it because you feel it is morally wrong, or because you believe the studies that claim people who cohabitate first have a greater chance of breaking up after they marry.
Edited by Finnforest - September 30 2010 at 20:42
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JJLehto
Prog Reviewer
Joined: April 05 2006
Location: Tallahassee, FL
Status: Offline
Points: 34550
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Posted: September 30 2010 at 20:43 |
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I don't really "believe" in either one. All depends, I mean every couple is unique no way to say which is better or preferred.
Really depends on how they are/what works for them.
My personal opinion is living together first is fine.
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Negoba
Prog Reviewer
Joined: July 24 2008
Location: Big Muddy
Status: Offline
Points: 5208
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Posted: September 30 2010 at 20:47 |
Living together is preferred by me.
If my 19yo daughter (eek only 9 years away) said she wanted to live with her boyfriend, I'd be happy that she was in a committed relationship, assuming the guy wasn't abusive or a complete idiot.
I'm not a big fan of promiscuity, though I don't think I deserve to have a say in the matter when it's a total stranger. For my own children, I will be teaching some guidelines. Of course by that time, I won't have any real say in the matter there either.
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You are quite a fine person, and I am very fond of you. But you are only quite a little fellow, in a wide world, after all.
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stonebeard
Forum Senior Member
Joined: May 27 2005
Location: NE Indiana
Status: Offline
Points: 28057
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Posted: September 30 2010 at 21:07 |
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You do what you think's right.
For me, I would never be caught dead marrying without living together. When it comes to sex and promiscuity and crap like that, I take a really liberal view. Anything between two people outside of taxes and legal stuff that can be accomplished in a marriage can be accomplished without one, if they really care.
And a 19 years old daughter? OK, maybe I don't get the whole protective father stuff but she's 19! What do you want the guy to do, screw her in the back of his car, her bedroom at your house, her dorm at college, what? Because she's 19, and statistically she's had sex with at least 2 people already, if not more, so what are you worried about?
Hell, living together is a big step to take, and unless the people are very religious and buy into the marriage thing hardcore, I don't see how it matters.
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thellama73
Collaborator
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Joined: May 29 2006
Location: United States
Status: Offline
Points: 8368
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Posted: September 30 2010 at 21:15 |
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I don't feel strongly about this, but I tend to think living together first is a bad idea, based on my own experiences and those of people I know, as well as the studies you mention. It has nothing to do with religion for me.
A couple of things:
a) A lot of people live together first as a kind of "test drive" to see if they can stand being around each other for extended priods of time. In my view, if you need a test drive, you shouldn't be getting married. You should be sure.
b) If you live together first, and then decide not to get married, the break up can be incredibly difficult, almost like a divorce. I know a couple who just bought a house together, even though they are not married. I think it is a huge mistake, since I don't see them staying together forever.
c) This one goes to the root of a big problem I have with marriage in general these days. Marriage is supposed to be a special, life changing event that allows you to spend the rest of your life with the person you love. If you live together first, what really changes after the wedding? It loses some of its specialness, I think. I see too many people getting married who treat the ceremony as little more than a party, since afterwards they simply get to resume doing what they've already been doing for months or years.It cheapens the institution and allows people to take it less seriously, hence more divorces.
That's my two cents.
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Triceratopsoil
Forum Senior Member
Joined: April 03 2010
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 17995
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Posted: September 30 2010 at 21:21 |
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I don't believe in the concept of marriage. I feel that as practically every other aspect of Christian life has been mostly eliminated from the lives of most non-practicing Christians, there is no reason that marriage should still play such a significant role in the human life. It really ought to be naught more than strictly symbolic; there should be no legal aspect to marriage at all.
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yanch
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 03 2010
Location: Lowell, MA
Status: Offline
Points: 3247
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Posted: September 30 2010 at 21:38 |
Live together first. My wife and I have been married 29 years and a couple for 32. We lived together for 2 years before we got married and I know it was a big factor in strengthening our relationship and making it possible to stay together so long.
For me the "studies" are meaningless. Each case is going to be different, each couple unique, the studios can't possibly include a large enough sample to be statistically significant. Every case will be different.
Edited by yanch - September 30 2010 at 21:42
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Slartibartfast
Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator / In Memoriam
Joined: April 29 2006
Location: Atlantais
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Points: 29625
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Posted: September 30 2010 at 22:38 |
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One size doesn't fit all, but we were living together for a little while before marriage and it worked for us. More important is talking a lot and getting to know each other extremely well before making a commitment.
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Released date are often when it it impacted you but recorded dates are when it really happened... 
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Man With Hat
Collaborator
Jazz-Rock/Fusion/Canterbury Team
Joined: March 12 2005
Location: Neurotica
Status: Offline
Points: 166178
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Posted: September 30 2010 at 22:46 |
I prefer the live together route myself. I dont know...just jumping in to all that at once just seems unwise to me. So many unknowns...moreso then just marriage IMO. Esp if you haven't spent the night together before. Though like everyone has said its a case by case thing. Things work for some, others they don't.
As for my 19 year old daughter. Obviously if they aren't at school or the dinner table they are locked in the basement studying.  |
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Dig me...But don't...Bury me
I'm running still, I shall until, one day, I hope that I'll arrive
Warning: Listening to jazz excessively can cause a laxative effect.
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Henry Plainview
Forum Senior Member
Joined: May 26 2008
Location: Declined
Status: Offline
Points: 16715
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Posted: September 30 2010 at 22:58 |
 thellama73 wrote:
c) This one goes to the root of a big problem I have with marriage in general these days. Marriage is supposed to be a special, life changing event that allows you to spend the rest of your life with the person you love. If you live together first, what really changes after the wedding? It loses some of its specialness, I think. I see too many people getting married who treat the ceremony as little more than a party, since afterwards they simply get to resume doing what they've already been doing for months or years.It cheapens the institution and allows people to take it less seriously, hence more divorces.
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A lot of people think marriage shouldn't be special or life changing, so I think you may be missing the point of that. :P What confuses me on the other end is that there's a woman at work who's been with her boyfriend for a long time and has had 3 kids with him, but they still haven't gotten married. I don't see why you wouldn't go down and just fill out the form at least, geez.
I don't know, I've never even gone on a date, but it concerns me when I see stories of people being together for 6 years and then she cheats on him or he becomes abusive and tthe other person didn't see it coming and so it's all gone. What if they had gotten married? Maybe he or she should have seen it coming, although that's not necessarily always even possible, but how can you overcome a blind spot in your judgement if you don't even know it exists?
yanch wrote:
For me the "studies" are meaningless. Each case is going to be different, each couple unique, the studios can't possibly include a large enough sample to be statistically significant. Every case will be different. |
Yeah, I am pretty sure that any study about this sort of thing is probably only going to reveal correlations, not causations.
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if you own a sodastream i hate you
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mystic fred
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator
Joined: March 13 2006
Location: Londinium
Status: Offline
Points: 4252
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Posted: October 01 2010 at 01:47 |
Living together before being married is like opening all your Christmas presents in November.... 
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 Prog Archives Tour Van 
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Tapfret
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator / Retired Admin
Joined: August 12 2007
Location: Bryant, Wa
Status: Offline
Points: 8577
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Posted: October 01 2010 at 02:31 |
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Gender roles were very clearly defined for most of human history. Our roles in life have become so complex in comparison it is fairly irresponsible to not at least have some trial time playing house to evaluate domestic compatibility. Many fail to understand the difference between interdependency and codependency. A successful relationship requires interdependency, which is impossible without an understanding of which partner will take on the various roles in the household. Something as simple as hating to take out the garbage can send the relationship into a tailspin. For the love of god, don't get married until you know that at least one of you is willing to take out the garbage.
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Vompatti
Forum Senior Member
VIP Member
Joined: October 22 2005
Location: elsewhere
Status: Offline
Points: 67382
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Posted: October 01 2010 at 02:58 |
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It depends on how easy it'll be to get a divorce, I guess. Voted for the third option.
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JJLehto
Prog Reviewer
Joined: April 05 2006
Location: Tallahassee, FL
Status: Offline
Points: 34550
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Posted: October 01 2010 at 03:05 |
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I dont think marriage should be scrapped, again whatever works for ya, but I don't see it as a sacred thing.
I do think its a good, and would be nice.
But if I ended up just living with someone without marriage, whatevs
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someone_else
Forum Senior Member
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Joined: May 02 2008
Location: Going Bananas
Status: Offline
Points: 24022
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Posted: October 01 2010 at 03:15 |
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I vote for the second option. It's what I practised myself and I have never regretted it.
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Any Colour You Like
Prog Reviewer
Joined: May 15 2009
Status: Offline
Points: 12294
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Posted: October 01 2010 at 03:17 |
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Marriage is archaic.
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progkidjoel
Prog Reviewer
Joined: March 02 2009
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 19643
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Posted: October 01 2010 at 03:21 |
JJLehto wrote:
I dont think marriage should be scrapped, again whatever works for ya, but I don't see it as a sacred thing.
I do think its a good, and would be nice.
But if I ended up just living with someone without marriage, whatevs
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Pretty much exactly what I think.
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JJLehto
Prog Reviewer
Joined: April 05 2006
Location: Tallahassee, FL
Status: Offline
Points: 34550
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Posted: October 01 2010 at 03:26 |
progkidjoel wrote:
JJLehto wrote:
I dont think marriage should be scrapped, again whatever works for ya, but I don't see it as a sacred thing.
I do think its a good, and would be nice.
But if I ended up just living with someone without marriage, whatevs
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Pretty much exactly what I think.
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Way I see it. I would love it if I could spend the rest of my life with some I love. Whether its made "official" with marriage or we just live together, doesn't mean much to me.
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harmonium.ro
Special Collaborator
Honorary Collaborator / Retired Admin
Joined: August 18 2008
Location: Anna Calvi
Status: Offline
Points: 22989
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Posted: October 01 2010 at 05:44 |
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JJ is full of wisdom as always
Voted 1st
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Dean
Special Collaborator
Retired Admin and Amateur Layabout
Joined: May 13 2007
Location: Europe
Status: Offline
Points: 37575
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Posted: October 01 2010 at 05:56 |
Commitment and Compromise - the paper work is irrelevant.
I would be two-faced and hypocritical if I objected to my 19yo daughter shacking-up with her boyfriend - what my personal feelings are towards it could be a different matter but that would also be true if they were getting married. My daughter is 20 and is moving in with her bf - I'm actually rather pleased for them.
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Live together or marry first?
