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Ambient Hurricanes 
Forum Senior Member
Joined: December 25 2011
Location: internet
Status: Offline
Points: 2549
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 Posted: January 24 2014 at 21:35 |
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Go figure. I still like them.
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I love dogs, I've always loved dogs
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TheYessongs
Forum Newbie
Joined: November 29 2011
Status: Offline
Points: 27
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Posted: January 26 2014 at 14:39 |
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Figure I'll take a look at them and try to improve (metaphorically, in a sense) upon my past self.
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I don't give a sh*t what anyone says, Tales From Topographic Oceans is the best Yes album ever!
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VOTOMS
Forum Senior Member
Joined: April 18 2013
Location: KOBAIA
Status: Offline
Points: 1420
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Posted: January 27 2014 at 07:00 |
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Your lyrics are better than some Yes lyrics from the 80s
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TheYessongs
Forum Newbie
Joined: November 29 2011
Status: Offline
Points: 27
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Posted: April 27 2015 at 21:06 |
Well sh*t, a blast from the past much?
So my take on lyrics three years ago was incredibly childish (go figure), wasn't it?
Anyways, here's something I wrote recently. All I can say is that the cringe from the past lyrics is avoided (in my opinion, at least).
WHAT A SHAME
Listening to worried
dreams out far
Dreaming still until I
hear a sound away
Hurry up, it’s still warm
in here
There’s absolutely
nothing here to fear, oh dear
Still, I step on the
stones of reality
Hey girl, do you know
what’s in store for me?
One hundred miles and I
still hear you calling my name
What a shame
Realize that I’m not
worthwhile
Heavy handed is the sea
that feels so vile
Never got to see the
world out there
People hurry to the songs
of alleyways
And I hear them too
Tell me it’s true
Still I step on the
stones of reality
Hey girl, do you know
what’s in store for me?
One hundred miles and I
still hear you calling my name
What a shame
Broken hearts are still
worth your while
The numbers grow as he
still wreaks bile
Broken hearts are still
worth your while
Broken hearts, they’re
still worth your while
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I don't give a sh*t what anyone says, Tales From Topographic Oceans is the best Yes album ever!
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The Dark Elf
Forum Senior Member
VIP Member
Joined: February 01 2011
Location: Michigan
Status: Offline
Points: 12690
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Posted: April 27 2015 at 22:38 |
^The numbers grow as he still wreaks bile The word you are looking for is "reeks". From my perspective, it seems you are trying to hard to rhyme.
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...a vigorous circular motion hitherto unknown to the people of this area, but destined
to take the place of the mud shark in your mythology...
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Pastmaster
Forum Senior Member
Joined: January 23 2015
Location: Spiderwood Farm
Status: Offline
Points: 1774
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Posted: April 27 2015 at 23:35 |
^^Nice lyrics, very well written. 
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Terakonin
Forum Senior Member
Joined: February 15 2015
Location: Australia
Status: Offline
Points: 355
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Posted: April 28 2015 at 01:15 |
 The Dark Elf wrote:
^The numbers grow as he still wreaks bile The word you are looking for is "reeks". From my perspective, it seems you are trying to hard to rhyme. |
The lyrics are reasonably good, but I do agree with the above statement.
Oh, and by the way, do you sing/play an instrument, or just write lyrics? Just curious.
Edited by Terakonin - April 28 2015 at 01:16
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You left a note in your perfect script
Stay as long as you like
I haven't left your bed since
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Green Shield Stamp
Forum Senior Member
Joined: February 17 2009
Location: Telford, UK
Status: Offline
Points: 933
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Posted: April 30 2015 at 15:30 |
The Dark Elf wrote:
<span style="font-family: Arial;">^The numbers grow as he still wreaks bile The word you are looking for is "reeks". From my perspective, it seems you are trying to hard to rhyme. <o:p></o:p></span> |
I think 'wreaks' is the correct word in this context, meaning to bring about. If the intended verb was 'reeks' (unpleasant smell), then the preposition 'of' would be needed. Eg. 'He still reeks of bile.' Lyrics are so dependent on music for their power and meaning. Most prog lyrics seem shockingly bad when read as stand alone poems. Take pretty much any ELP lyric and you will see what I mean.
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Haiku
Writing a poem
With seventeen syllables
Is very diffic....
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SteveG
Forum Senior Member
Joined: April 11 2014
Location: Kyiv In Spirit
Status: Offline
Points: 20503
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Posted: April 30 2015 at 15:38 |
Nice lyrics but without hearing them with music, I have no idea how their phrasing would sound when someone is singing them. And there is an abundance of verbiage that might strangle the music instead of mating with it. Simply put, lyrics without music are an indicator of you abilities to express yourself with the written word, but cannot be fully judged divorced from the tune. As for their being pretentious, are you pretending that they are ultra important, deep, mystical, strictly metaphorical, completely intellectual and the like? That is what makes lyrics pretentious.
Edited by SteveG - April 30 2015 at 16:05
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The Dark Elf
Forum Senior Member
VIP Member
Joined: February 01 2011
Location: Michigan
Status: Offline
Points: 12690
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Posted: April 30 2015 at 15:40 |
Green Shield Stamp wrote:
The Dark Elf wrote:
<span style="font-family: Arial;">^The numbers grow as he still wreaks bile The word you are looking for is "reeks". From my perspective, it seems you are trying to hard to rhyme. <o:p></o:p></span> |
I think 'wreaks' is the correct word in this context, meaning to bring about. If the intended verb was 'reeks' (unpleasant smell), then the preposition 'of' would be needed. Eg. 'He still reeks of bile.'
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Prepositions and articles are oft' deleted to fit a meter in poetry. I guess it depends on what the poet actually meant. Perhaps he/she will elucidate.
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...a vigorous circular motion hitherto unknown to the people of this area, but destined
to take the place of the mud shark in your mythology...
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The Dark Elf
Forum Senior Member
VIP Member
Joined: February 01 2011
Location: Michigan
Status: Offline
Points: 12690
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Posted: April 30 2015 at 15:43 |
SteveG wrote:
Simply put, lyrics without music are an indicator of you abilities to express yourself with the written word, but cannot be fully judged divorced from the tune.
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Nonsense! Some of the greatest poetry of the modern age comes from rock music, and they stand on their own as magnificent examples of the written word. Such superb lyricism is evident in the following stanzas: Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You don't have to go oh oh oh oh oh
You don't have to go oh oh oh oh oh
You don't Have to go.
Ay ay ay ay ay ay
All those tears I cry ay ay ay ay ay
All those tears I cry ay ay ay ay ay
Baby please don't go.
Edited by The Dark Elf - April 30 2015 at 15:44
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...a vigorous circular motion hitherto unknown to the people of this area, but destined
to take the place of the mud shark in your mythology...
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SteveG
Forum Senior Member
Joined: April 11 2014
Location: Kyiv In Spirit
Status: Offline
Points: 20503
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Posted: April 30 2015 at 15:57 |
^Ah, Planty! The equal of Byron! 
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This message was brought to you by a proud supporter of the Deep State.
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JD
Forum Senior Member
Joined: February 07 2009
Location: Canada
Status: Offline
Points: 18372
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Posted: April 30 2015 at 17:46 |
Don't worry about all the neggie comments, look for the helpful hints instead. To write at 14 is but a stepping stone to greater things, and I speak from experience. I've gone on to write children's stories, poetry and lyrics that have been used on albums. But it's called honing your craft for a reason. How do you get to Carnegie Hall??? Practice, practice, practice. Believe me, I've just read some stuff I did when I was 16 and it's not anything like I write now. Maybe some of the community here would like to share some of their teen musings?? Anyone, anyone? Ok, I'll start. circa 1976 (age 17)  Have you ever looked out through another man's eyes To find what's truth and find what lies Beyond the sounds of the morning cries Or spoke with the use of another man's tongue To pass on words to those who are young And tell them songs you once had sung And have you heard through another man's ears The tales of time and of bygone years That brings back long forgotten years But thinking through another man's mind Reason's for this I cannot find For stolen thoughts are not sublime
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Are these lyrics pretentious for my age?