Depression experiences

I am not depressed now because great events are taking place in my life..but I have , in the past experienced depression to a extreme and I lost control. I had to sort out in my mind..that the music business was an empire of criminal activity which differed from the local farmer or banker in town. Based upon my constant observations of people's characteristics in general..I was determined to hate society and link them in with the offending sexual promiscuity/drug hand outs of promoters/venue owners/agents/managers , but no..the entire world is not like that..usually the huge percentage of people who do not attend your gigs are straight up people? I can't believe I had to go on meds for that. I was told by my psychologist that it is very typical for an entertainer/musician/composer to be tormented and hounded by people the whole of their life and that most of them reject society, attempting to escape the day to day vapor pain claws. No doubt this happened to me because I traveled the road close to 30 years, suddenly quit and was faced with living in a real world of domestic lifestyle.

In the late 70's and early 80's , I didn't know what it was like to be a real person. I spent most of my time in and out of buses/limos, stages, dressingrooms, recording studios and a corporation took care of me. After years of this lifestyle..I felt disfunctional in the real world.Eventually after about 5 years, I lost my contacts and decided to lower by expectations by performing in casinos and clubs and having to do everything for myself which was a nightmare. I still had agents/managers, but not the full scale corporation treatment.

My first wife who ran the light show was working roots on me. This came to my attention by a Christian musician I traveled with. He first took notice of my pale condition, lack of eating..etc...He then focused on my wife, observing her and one day told me that she was a witch performing a spell on me. He said to check to see if there was a piece of hair in my shoe..or if I had been examining my food . He caught her mixing roots in my food with a blender and explained that it was a form of mojo/voodoo. We shared an immediate common interest upon meeting with the Herman Hesse novel "Steppenwolf" . For years I had thought my wife was only interested in Sci-Fi novels. I discovered after 5 years of marriage..that she had been born into a Satan worshippers sect on her mother's side of the family.

I think my position is moronic because I have never practiced witchcraft or belonged to a Satan cult. I was surrounded by the corruption of it in my youth and so I am some type of victim, I don't know how to term. I had friends that suffered through Satanic ritual abuse as children and teenagers. Our area.. for some reason or another.. was corrupted with a sect which according to police officials had traveled from the west coast. in '69. A young man , age 20 who often tutored students in our school  asked his 2 friends to drive him to a deserted pond in the hills. After giving a brief service to the Devil..Michael asked to be tied and bound and pushed into the lake. He wanted to return as a captain to rule over 40 legions of demons. This derives from the works of Colin De Plancey and it's a Judeo-Christian concept. A few days after his death..police discovered members of a wealthy group posing as Christians in Assembly Of God Church. The pastor then de-programmed a total of 90 teenage devil worshippers. Those were the Satan cults that were widespread in Cumberland County.Only 1 or 2 members of these cults were in contact with the elderly sect who were very wealthy . Police discovered evidence of 50 members present on the night that Michael was murdered. There was no physical evidence and so the 2 year investigation did not hold water in court. Michael's murder took place in 1971. Children missing, screams and chanting in the wooded areas of my hometown had been present since the mid 60's. I guess you can call this an isolated incident of the extreme..although I do not know how else to describe it without coming across as an extremist?

This elderly group reminded me of the "Dark Shadows" series in the 60's. Their outfits as such were accountable for who they were and what was on their agenda. I was dining with vamps and I escaped quickly. If the younger cults , who were an extension of the elderly sect..spotted you in the woods, they would chase you and run you down, picking you up and throwing you quite a distance or simply drag you through the dirt/mud to prove a point. I still have nightmares from that. For years I wore nothing but black because I felt shame over avoiding Satanic ritual abuse like my friends. I had escaped and felt the guilt for others. Some of them had to be de-programmed converting to "Born Again" , but declined in the area of personality due to that further programming. I knew their personalities..I grew up with them, but now they were strangers. This depresses the crap out of me ..today.

I am still curious if Barbara Hutton was a member of this sect. She was a wealthy actress and her family line owned the Woolworth Five and Dime stores. She was married to Cary Grant and she owned a venue not far from my hometown. It was designed like a European castle with black mirrors on the inside. The place was still open to the public when I performed there in 1983. The staff were dressed in black robes, there were black mirrors and Rock bands performing. When I went outside on my break..there was a girl standing , holding a rat and giving me her x-ray eyes. I've had nightmares about this. As I said before...I have never took part in the left hand path movement and feel that my personal experiences as a musician state otherwise. I left for the road at age 18 to escape this environment of human blatter puffs to exceed in the positive. I studied guitar since age 7 and any kind of religion was a distraction to my developing stages as a serious player. I did cross paths with these people again in the 80's when I was asked to play Classical guitar by candlelight in their mansions. I was lured into that by money, but unaware of it's existence for the first few gigs. They hide in plainsight which is a diversion of telling on others to take attention away from what they, themselves do. This gives me nightmares.