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Kayo Dot - Hubardo CD (album) cover

HUBARDO

Kayo Dot

 

RIO/Avant-Prog

3.87 | 79 ratings

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The Neck Romancer
4 stars One hour, 38 minutes, 56.442 seconds of the most impossibly insane music one could ever hear, accompanied by a meaty Lovecraftian story of a poet (we'll call him Joe) who finds a meteorite (it's actually the eye of the biblical Leviathan), takes the damn(ed) thing home, gets charmed by its strange power, has a nightmare about watering the stone with blood and watching a gigantic holy tree (perhaps Yggdrasil?) sprouting out of the meteorite. Kids, this is why you shouldn't do drugs. And this is why you shouldn't take black meteors to your house either (no offense to African-American space debris).

Well, our hero Joe was inspired by this vision and he woke up only to see a poem about a seed written in his cottage. He tries to crack open the stone and find the seed in it only to have his chisel shatter in his hands. Dude climbs to his cottage's roof and tries to break the eye by throwing it on the ground to no avail. "Eureka", says the poet as a storm mumbles in the distance; he puts the stone on the roof again and fastens a LIGHTNING ROD to it (is it the rod of knowledge mentioned in the First Key of Enoch or is it one of the 19 pillars of gladness from the Fifth Key? Well, to those of you wondering what the heck I'm talking about, I'll explain it in a minute).

Useful information for all of you: usually, when there's a thunderstorm and there's a lightning rod near its area of effect, lightning tends to strike the lightning rod. As our excited poet Joe does a day-long funky naked dance near his cottage under heavy rain while Kayo Dot play the soundtrack, a lightning bolt hits the rod and the stone explodes. I bet you'll enjoy this, Joe: there's a seed inside what's left of the stone! And the words "Zlida Caosgi" are inscribed on it in weird glyphs! Be aware that that expression is an excerpt from the Fifth Key of Enoch, part of an Hermetic text by John Dee which was adapted by Anton LaVey into the final chapter of The Satanic Bible, which is curiously called The Book of Leviathan. Put your tinfoil hats on!

Our boy Joe takes a walk in the woods during new moon and decides it was a good idea to live in the forest. You know, to inspire him to write poems and cry like a lady and be a miserable solipsist. Whatever floats your boat, poet (you might as well build one later). Joe decides it's time to bury the seed and take a nice long nap. He wakes up and he's like "Oh shoot!"; turns out a ghost sneaked into the forest while Joe was sleeping and decided it was a good idea TO WATER THE EARTH with the poet's watering can. Now there's a stream of water sprouting out of the seed's mound! It's tasty and sweet, a dove baptizes him and flies along with the water's course, and the moon has grown into a crescent. What's not to like?

The stream widens enough in such a small period of time to form a river which leads further into the woods. Joe has no time to waste and builds a boat out of the trees around him. Apparently, nature decided it was a nice time to make sounds, so it started making sounds. Anyway, the moon is getting fuller and there's no time to waste; Joe hops on the boat and sets sail to wherever the heck this river is leading. I believe it goes straight into Hades, or Hell to those who might dislike the word Hades. Now, our poor Joe was so busy crafting his vessel he forgot he should have eaten something or cared a little bit 'bout his personal hygiene before boarding his floatable open coffin! GODDAMNIT JOE!

Now the moon is completely full, the stars are really bright and shiny (just like LAMPS), the river is doing the soundtrack to Joe's final voyage. As Joe forgot to purchase some sort of braking device for nautical vessels, he couldn't slow it enough to prevent him from crashing into the gate to hell at full speed, so he embraced his fate and attempted to die gracefully by giving the gate a nice hug. Unfortunately, it didn't go so well as Joe's body turned into mush.

All that was left was his ghost. Poor ghostly Joe then decided to take care of the garden near the gate to Dis for the rest of time. And that's it.

Well, I'm not going to say anything about the music as I'm too lazy to do that so instead I wrote 771 words about the album's lyrics. I'll give it a very strong 4/5. Also, Jason Byron kinda ripped off Robert E. Howard's short story titled "The Black Stone".

The Neck Romancer | 4/5 |

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