THE PLOT THINS - A HISTORY OF BRAND X

Hah! Wot's the deal with the simply queer amount of Brand X compilations, guv'nor? It's elementary, my dear Lumley, for the record company's sneaky motive for issuing this particularly pointless compilation is to bring in the pounds and the profits from all the recent successes that our very own Phillip "Ray Charles" Collins has had. For it is they who believe that a forty year old yuppie in his midlife crisis will be browsing the bargain bin at FYE in hopes to score some Marvin Gaye and will stumble across this spotty, little bugger. His sensors will detect the word combination of "Phil" and "Collins" printed in bold lettering on the back and the deluded sod'll purchase it, believing that all of the elongated song titles and running times are all somehow crazy anagrams that spell out "One More Night" and "Sussussussusususususudio". Well, that certainly isn't very cricket, Mr. Holmes, but nowadays what is? Well, I'll tell you that nothing in life is cricket, Mr. Lumley, except for my new movie that's now available for the disc player, it would be very, very cricket if you'd buy a copy for yourself, as well as Mr. Collins.

(Okay, you can stop annoying your household with that awfully twee Britsh accent of yours now) This compilation annoys me with it's existence. First of all, what's with that nasty pornographic cover, which is even more blatantly suggestive and stupid than Gentle Giant's "Acquiring the Taste" album sleeve. What kind of innuendo does it even intend? Woodpecking salad? Is that supposed to mean anything? Much less anything funny? Sheesh, I'm embarrassed to own it because of that cover alone. This compilation has three tracks less than the much more superior, X-Trax comp and the track choice is much less brilliant too. I mean really, for every glistening jazz fusion masterpiece, like "Nuclear Burn" and "Malaga Virgen", on here, we get a mediocre, directionless jazz noodling like "Isis Mourning Part 1" or "Triumphant Limp" that bore the living daylights out of me. The only thing to tantalize one's inner completionist is a new hot boppin live version of "Algon" but there's another fiery version of that song just like it on "Trilogy" which is a far better purchase, by the end of the day.

Two Stars for this odd sod because of the less than stellar track choice and for this comp's woefully, superfluous existence it leads.

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